I've read alot of testimonies from different people.  Testimonies of awesome and dramatic conversions.  I envy people when they have a story like that to tell, because I don't have a conversion experience that was dramatic or dynamic.  My testimony is very simple.  I don't remember a time when I did not believe in God.  For as long as I can remember I have had faith in God.

However, my earliest memory of my own faith was when I was 4 years old and it was Easter Sunday.  I remember laying in bed that morning, crying because I felt sad that Jesus had to die on the cross.  I guess my 4 year old mind couldn't comprehend the glory and joy of Easter, it could only understand the sadness of death.

I grew up attending Sunday School and Church in our local Baptist Church with my parents and 6 older siblings.  I was baptized around 12 years old.  At that point I knew I was making a decision to follow Christ for the rest of my life although I didn't take it as seriously as I would have, had I waited until I was a bit older.

When I became a teenager I began to get bored with going to church every Sunday.  Sunday after Sunday.  I would help out in the nursery, sing in the choir, sing special music, sit with my friends while laughing and NOT paying attention, yet I was still bored with the whole lifestyle.  So I stopped going for a while against my parents wishes.  They were disappointed I'm sure, and would push me to go to a certain extent, but I became a very stubborn girl and in the end they stopped arguing with me.

It only took me a short time to realize that I needed church, that I needed God in my life, that I needed to make a stronger commitment.  My parents switched churches and began going to a "younger, more vibrant" church so I started to go again as well.  I eventually made some friends and got involved with different ministries such as singing again in the choir, singing in the church worship team, and joining the youth group.

It was during this time in my life, the moment I started really reaching out to God, that Satan had other plans for me and he decided to work on me big time.  I was around 18 and completely lost.  The closer I tried to get to God the more Satan battled to keep me complacent and luke warm.  I can remember hours at a time, sitting on my bed and writing in my prayer journal, praying and begging God to get me through whatever it was that was happening to me.  I really felt like I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

It's hard to describe what that feels like and what happens to your mind.  All I can say is that I felt lost, like I had no purpose to even wake up in the morning.  At night I was haunted by fears of my unknown future, to the point where I would be laying in bed with my entire body shaking violently, crying, and asking my mother to lay beside me while I fell asleep because I was afraid of being alone.  She would come in my room, lay beside me, and gently rub my back as she prayed for me or just talked quietly with me.  This dependence on my mother added to my already troubled mind because I was 18 and supposed to be breaking away from my parents, not depending on them more.

God slowly healed me.  Slowly.  But by the time I was 20 I had a good job, christian friends, and became the youth group leader at our church.  I still to this day look at that time of my life as being the most "together", and the least "dependent".  Leading the youth group kids was so much fun and so good for my emotional health and well-being.  I was finally feeling strong again, finally enjoying my life, finally feeling like I was okay with God.

Then God brought Dwayne into my life.  I know it sounds like I am saying that in a negative way, and I'm not, but I did take a step backwards when I got married.  Dwayne became the center of my entire universe.  I completely lost myself, became dependent now on him instead of my mother, and put him way before God.  I remember praying and telling God that it was His fault I loved Dwayne so much.  I lost interest in everything, and all my passions that shined bright in my life grew dim compared to my passion for loving Dwayne.

And once again I found myself looking to God for healing.  Dwayne and I have now been married for 9 years and I will be completely honest... marriage is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  We have been through so much together, more than I can even share in words.  We have endured battle after battle, both of us struggling for control, both of us battering and bruising the self-esteem of the other.  We have been through dysfunctional family situations, financial hardship, unstable job careers, car problems after car problems, financial hardship, unfulfilled dreams, depression, anxiety, and did I mention financial hardship?  =o)

But God is good.  He has seen us through it all.  He has kept us together.  He is teaching us what unconditional love is.  He blesses us continuously with joy.  He meets our every need.  And when we forget He reminds us that we need Him.

I still have so far to go.  I am so NOT perfect and I prove it over and over every day.  There are times when I let God down and make Him sad, when I place blame on Him for things that are of my own doing.  I still struggle to understand His ways, still struggle to put Him first, still struggle with doing what is right and NOT doing what is wrong.  I am constantly distracted by the world and the temptations of it.

Please don't call me a hypocrite.  I'm trying my best!