November 2, 1999 - Tuesday

The other day I was taking a nap and dreamed that my teeth were made out of razor blades
and I had to keep this retainer type of thing in my mouth because it held my jaw in the
correct alignment.  In my dream I was in alot of pain and when I woke up I had a splitting
head ache.

This morning before I woke up I had a dream that I was hugging this guy, who I might add
was not my husband, but he was someone that I know.  I have no idea why I was hugging him
because he isn't someone I would normally hug in real life.  It was very strange.

My dreams never make sense.  There is never any order to them and people change in my
dreams.  One minute they are who they are in real life and the next they are the same person
but they look completely different.  I've never necessarily believed that dreams mean
anything, although I do believe that God may sometimes choose to talk to us through our
dreams.  But what about the rest of the dreams?  Like the time I dreamed that a man
showed up at my house in a white limo, wearing a white tux, and carrying a white puppy.  Why
was everything white?  And what was he doing there in the first place?  And why did he feel
the need to add to my pet collection?  And you know what?  In real life I LOVE puppies and if
someone showed up on my door step and handed me a puppy I'd be totally happy and
excited.  In my dream I almost didn't even notice the puppy.  Because of the man.  Well come
on now... what woman in their right and AWAKE mind would choose a man over a puppy?
Hehehehehe, just kidding men!  =oÞ

But back to the dream I had this morning... I almost felt guilty when I woke up for hugging
this guy.  Why do I dream about other men and never HB?  Anytime I dream about HB we
are fighting in the dream or he is leaving me or he is flirting with other women and making me
jealous.  I hardly ever have a good dream about him.

Oh well... I know this was a quick entry but I'm tired from having all those dreams instead of
sleeping soundly!  =o)
 

November 3, 1999 - Wednesday Evening

How do you like my moon and stars?  Cool huh?  =o)

Shari, her daughter, and I went to a new book store last night.  It was so cool.  We browsed
for a bit and then we sat down and did the girl chat for a while.  I love girl chat.  There is
nothing like it.  It's nice to be able to open up to someone and talk about personal things.  I'm
fortunate to have alot of people in my life who I can open up to and be myself with.

Oooh HB just called me and said he's coming home early tonight!  That is cool.  I think he
misses me.  He said he's afraid he's going to forget what I look like because when he comes
home at night I'm sleeping and when I leave in the morning he's sleeping.  So we only spend
awake time together on the weekends.  I miss him!

Wow last month I made quite a few journal entries!  That's cool but lately I feel like my
journal has been boring.  I hope I never get to the point where I don't feel like writing
anymore.  It's such good therapy for me to write.  I can not express how good it is.

Hmmm HB left me a note that says that one of the pastors at our church wants me to sing
this month.  Okay, I used to sing in church all the time when I was younger.  For some reason
I stopped singing so much.  And when I went through all that anxiety it became very difficult
for me to sing.  Almost every time the pastor schedules me to sing I get sick.  I really need
to get over the anxiety I have about singing and just do it.  But then I'll be singing two out of
four Sundays this month because I'm also singing a christian love song with HB in church.  But
I guess that's good practice for me.  We'll see I suppose.
 

November 6, 1999 - Saturday Evening

Another dream... last night I was dreaming that HB and I were  meeting with this woman
about renting an apartment.  It was a huge building with alot of apartments and it seemed
like there were alot of college students renting these apartments.  But it wasn't like we
were there to discuss renting it on our own, more that this woman wanted roommates.  Well
she was young and pretty and every time I looked over at HB I could tell that he thought she
was attractive.  I think in my dream he was all for the idea - typical male for ya.  But I was
like, "No way, do you think I'm crazy?!"  And I practically had to drag him out of there!  That
dream affected me so much that even after I woke up I was still feeling jealous and sad.

And as I kissed him goodbye (because I had to work today) I started crying.  Sometimes I
just love him so much that I can't stand the thought of leaving in the morning.  I sure don't
understand myself.  It's like one of my friends said, one day HB is the greatest man on the
face of the planet and the next he's not.  Is marriage like this for everyone or do I just
happen to be one of the lucky (sarcastic) ones?  It's like I'm on a permanent roller coaster
ride.  Maybe my expectations are just too high.  But is it expecting alot to be in love with my
husband?

The other day I was talking about marriage feeling platonic sometimes.  Part of that platonic
feeling is nice.  There is so much trust and comfort in my relationship with him.  Security,
warmth, predictability, and the freedom to be my complete self.  Well, when I want to feel
those things then to me my marriage seems perfect.  But what about the times when I want
to feel excited, different, unpredictable?  How do I make the platonicness go away?

Hmmm... don't know if I'll ever figure this whole marriage thing out.

Okay I'm listening to Travis Tritt.  Listen to this song...

"Baby close that suit case you've been packing, just sit down and talk to me awhile.  I know
you tried to tell me what was lacking, but I guess I must have missed it by a mile.  Well this
time girl I swear to you I'll listen.  Help me understand where I went wrong.  It's hard to
find myself in this position, scared that I'll go crazy once you're gone.  Help me hold on to
what we had.  Once our love was strong, it can be again.  You said it takes two to make love
last.  You were right all along (That's my favorite part.  Hehe!) so help me hold on."

All of that is so true.  People often wait until it's almost too late to realize that they really do
love their spouse and want to keep them forever.  I never want to be in that place.
 
 

Okay, I've talked enough about marriage and relationships for one day.  I guess it's just
weighing heavily on my mind these days for alot of different reasons.  But let's change the
subject...

A few minutes ago I heard a noise behind me.  It sounded suspiciously like a large white,
furry dog jumping up onto the couch without permission to do so.  I turned around and sure
enough, surprise, there's Keisha making herself comfortable on the couch.  Naughty thing.
She wouldn't even dream of doing that if her Papa (that's what she calls HB) was home.  But
she knows that her Mama (that's what she calls me) is a complete push over.  So what did I
do?  I went over to her and kissed her on her little doggie forehead and told her she was a
good girl and that I loved her.  How's THAT for discipline?!  I am so fortunate that HB
doesn't read this journal.  I'd be dead about a million times over.  =o)

Speaking of dead... work was exactly that all day today.  It was so quiet I could count the
amount of phone calls I got on two hands!  The beauty of that though is when it is that dead
we can play on the internet.  I chatted all day off and on!  Hehehehe!

Okay, I've got a bunch of things to do!

Night!
 

November 8, 1999 - Monday Evening

           So I decided to make a few changes to my website.  I don't know why
           but I needed something different.  I'm still working on it.  All of the
           entries are so eclectic that I don't think I'll be changing the entry pages
           themselves.  Whoa, that would be way too much work.  Besides the
           eclecticness (I'm so sure that isn't a word but I like the sound of it!)
           suits my personality.  It suits my emotional roller coaster ride.  Which by
           the way I'm quickly approaching the scariest part... PMS.  Is this even
           possible?  It seems like I just had PMS.  But I can tell when I'm just
           sensitive or PMS sensitive.

           On Sunday Amanda and I went to visit her mother (my sister) and her
           baby sisters (my nieces).  Caitlin was sleeping when we got there and
           when she woke up she was really cuddly.  I held her for about a half an
           hour with her just smiling her sweet little smile and laying her head on my
           shoulder.  Her little cheeks were red and her hair was curly and sticking
           up all over the place.  At one point I tried to put her down but she just
           fussed and held her arms up for me to pick her back up.  There is nothing
           more heart melting than a baby holding her arms up to you because she
           wants to be held and to be near you.  I absolutely can not imagine the love
           I'd feel if I ever experienced seeing my own child hold his/her arms up
           for me to pick him/her up.

           Anyways, we visited for a few hours completely spent laughing at all the
           funny things Caitlin was doing.  Emely is 6 months old and has been really
           hard to get to know simply because she will not let anyone hold her.  She
           cries if we even look at her.  She's precious too but harder to bond with
           the way I bonded with Caitlin.  It was a really nice day and I love
           spending time with them!

           But I was having trouble sleeping last night.  I don't know what happened
           but at around 4:00 am I woke up crying.  Sometimes if I have a bad
           dream or something it might be sad enough to make me start crying, but
           this was different.  I woke myself up because I was crying.  I don't know
           what I was crying about but all I could think about as I lay there was how
           much I already missed Caitlin.  I wish my sister lived closer to us.  It
           makes me sad that she lives so far away.  She used to be my best friend
           and now I barely see her.  =o(

           Oh well... gotta go!  I'm short winded tonight!  Oooooh lucky you!!!  =oÞ
 

November 9, 1999 - Tuesday Evening

            I wasn't going to write a journal entry because I'm in a crappy mood
            and wanted to save you from that.  But I can't sleep at all so I
            decided to go ahead and torture you for a bit.  It might make me feel
            better.  =oÞ

            I hate my toilet.  It isn't working properly.  I guess it doesn't help
            that I flushed some leftover Corn Chowder down it.  Not a pretty
            sight at all.

            I hate being a paranoid person.  Today while I was walking to get lunch
            I was suspicious of every strange looking person.  This isn't Boston or
            New York for crying out loud.  I'm not really scared necessarily but
            just suspicious, especially if someone is walking behind me.  I hate that
            because I want to turn around and check them out but I don't want to
            appear to be afraid or nervous.

            Okay so far 2 out of 3 paragraphs begin with "I hate...".  This is what I
            mean when I say I'm in a "hate it mood".  =o)  Lovely huh?

            Let me think of something nice to write...

            Still thinking...

            Can't think of anything.  Goodnight!

            Hehehehehe... just kidding.

            I know something... yesterday HB cooked dinner for us.  He has
            Mondays off so he was home.  That was a nice change.  He made steak
            and although I complained initially about his "home made" marinade it
            was actually quite good.  He used V8 (gross) juice and spices, oh and
            A-1 steak sauce.  Sounds weird but it tasted really good.  Next time I
            won't complain until after I taste it.

            Bless me.

            I just sneezed.

            Okay, I'm going to try sleeping again.  =o)
 

November 11, 1999 - Thursday Morning

            Wow, it's weird writing a journal entry in the morning.  But for now my hours
            on Thursdays and Fridays are 12:00 pm to 8:00 pm.  Which is way cool because
            then I get to work with Jeffrey at night.  I like it alot.

            Yesterday I went to answer the phone but at the same time I was typing a
            message to a co-worker saying thanks.  So this is how I answered the phone...
            "Good afternoon, Bethany spanking..."  Instead of saying speaking.  That was
            bad enough, but then I could not stop laughing, the uncontrollable kind of
            laughing.  I'm lucky that my customer was laughing also.  Man, I hate it when
            things like that happen!

            Why is it that the older I get the more I dislike the holidays.  I never thought
            I'd be like this but I literally refuse to even think about Christmas before
            Thanksgiving.  And have you ever noticed that the older you get, the shorter the
            time between Thanksgiving and Christmas gets?  (Hmmm, that did not sound
            grammatically correct but I think you know what I mean.)  Christmas itself is
            very beautiful to me because of the whole Jesus thing.  I love the manger and
            the hay and the angel and the wise men and the baby Jesus.  I even love some of
            the more secular aspects of Christmas, like the tree and the Christmas cookies
            and the holly and the lights.  I like the festivity of it all.  But all of those nice
            things get lost in the preparation and the shopping and the list making and the
            cooking and the last minute running around.  I know everyone struggles with
            these things but I want to enjoy it more.  I want to think about God more, and
            focus on His gifts.  It's hard but I'm going to try and remind myself daily what
            this time of year should mean to me.

            But right now I need to focus on getting ready for work.  Yay!  I'm actually
            excited to go to work today!  I love my job even though sometimes I gripe
            about certain things.  I've never loved any job this much.

            So I decided that since I hadn't posted this entry yet this morning I would try
            and write a bit more.

            I had a great day but it went by too quickly!  We had fun and laughed alot.  I
            talked to the Giggler, that always makes me happy.  It was quiet so we goofed
            off all day.  At one point Christopher came in and said, "Let's use our inside
            voices." or something like that because we were laughing too loud.  Sorry but if
            I'm laughing I refuse to be quiet about that!  Laughter is too important and too
            fun!

            I hate folding laundry.  Just wanted you all to know that.

            Hahahahahahahaha... oh man.  Amanda and I are sitting here watching the Tom
            Green Show, a commercial comes on and so she starts playing with Keisha.  I say
            to her, "I wonder how Keisha's fleas are doing" and Amanda starts looking
            through her fur to see if she can see an fleas.  And then she says, "Aah, they're
            probably doing fine."  We didn't laugh right away but then we realized how
            that sounded and we started laughing.  Maybe you had to be here.  We laughed
            pretty hard.

            The reason why I always talk about Amanda so much more than Kara is because
            Kara is never here anymore!  She's always with AJ (her boyfriend).  We don't
            see her until bedtime.  But she comes home every single night before curfew,
            she does the dishes every day, and makes her bed every morning.  Isn't she a
            good girl?!

            Okay... I need to go to bed now!  NIGHT!!!
 

November 12, 1999 - Friday Evening

             It's my sister's birthday today... Happy Birthday Terry!  You know what's
             scary is that next year when I turn 30, Terry and I will be in our 30's
             together.  That stinks.  I've always thought of my older sisters and brothers
             as being much older than me.  But once we get up in our 30's it doesn't seem to
             make that much of a difference.

             I sincerely don't want to turn 30 next year.  I know everyone says that 30 is
             young and you still have all kinds of time to do things in your life, but in my
             mind 30 was the year I was going to have everything accomplished by.  I was
             going to be married, own a home, and have at least one child.  I'm married and
             that's it.  And I actually didn't want to have children after age 30 because I
             wanted to still be young enough to be a cool mom.  None of this is working.  I
             should own a home on a dirt road, a farmhouse type of house with a swing on
             the porch.  I wanted a pond with ducks.  I wanted to have an attic that I could
             store family treasures in.  My life is not what I wanted it to be.

             Don't get me wrong, I'm a very happy person.  But I'm disappointed in myself
             for not being what I thought I would be.  It doesn't bother me that I don't
             really have a "career" because I'm not a career woman at all.  I don't care
             what I'm doing as long as I can laugh while I do it.  Nothing else in a job
             matters to me.  Or maybe I always pictured myself to be a housewife and
             mother.  And as old fashioned as it sounds I would be completely happy,
             satisfied and proud to be that.  Raising a child is the most important job
             anyone could hold.

             By age 30 I wanted to have a little boy that looked like HB, with dark hair,
             dark skin and big brown eyes.  I wanted to dress him up in overalls and
             baseball caps.  I wanted a little girl with soft curls who could wear long frilly
             dresses and have blue eyes like me.  I wanted to have photo albums and scrap
             books full of pictures and things of the beautiful little family I had.  But
             there is no family.  Just me and HB.  When we were first married and I was
             trying NOT to get pregnant I always thought all I would have to do is stop
             taking birth control and I'd have a baby.  My parents had 7 kids, Dwayne's
             parents had 6 kids, and on my side there were already 15 grandchildren - all 6
             of my brothers and sisters were very fertile.  I never thought I would be any
             different.

             I know God has his reasons for why we do not have any children yet, I just
             wish the reasons were easier to understand and accept.  And if I am to never
             have a child I wish God would take that desire away from me.  Because until
             He does something one way or the other I will always feel like part of me is
             missing.

             Oh nice... get this... I'm sitting here checking my email and receive one from
             my mom.  All there is in the email is a picture of my mom's car - totaled.
             What is up with that?  I didn't even know my mother got in an accident.  Why
             don't these people call me about stuff like this?!  I guess everyone involved is
             okay but it would be nice to know about this kind of stuff right when it
             happens.  Hello, someone should have called me.  Who needs a UDL?

             Amanda just came home... She is carrying a bag, it looks, of grease.  She
             informs me that it is onion rings.  She proceeds to take one out of the bag,
             break it open, grab the onion inside and pull it through the batter.  This is
             how the conversation goes...

             Me:  "What are you doing?"  After I lecture her about getting a plate and
             eating on a tv tray.

             Amanda:  "I don't like onions."

             (Hmmm okay.)

             Me:  "Then why buy onion rings?"

             Amanda:  "Because I like the batter."

             Now she's belching 10's.  Lovely.  What is it with this kid and gas?!  And
             there is a pile of onions on her plate.  Shall I roll my eyes now or later?
 

November 13, 1999 - Saturday Evening

            The above is a picture of HB on my horse Apache, we called her Patchy for
            short (it didn't scan the greatest but oh well!).  This picture was taken though
            after we had sold her to my brother because I couldn't keep her at my house
            and it was too expensive to keep boarding her.  The date was 6/23/91 right
            after HB and I started dating.  We spent the weekend at my brother's house in
            Maine, in separate rooms of course!  =oÞ

            As a kid all I ever wanted was a horse.  All I dreamed about was having a horse
            and all I day dreamed about was having a horse.  I would close my eyes and
            imagine riding my horse everywhere.  I wouldn't drive when I got older I would
            just ride my horse if I needed to get anywhere.  Just like in the old western
            movies where they road down the dusty streets through town and tied their
            horses up to the post when they arrived at their destination.  I wanted all that.
            So when I was about 17 or 18 I convinced my mom to buy Apache for me.

            Okay, I've always denied being spoiled but yes, this one instance I might have
            been considered spoiled just a little bit.  And my mom finally made my dream
            come true.  I remember the first time I got on Apache I was scared out of my
            mind because she's a very big horse and I wasn't used to her or her height.  But
            I slowly got to know her and trust her and she was the best horse I could have
            ever gotten.  She was gentle and sweet.  If you know horses, you know that alot
            of them can be temperamental and snooty, but Patchy was the best!  If I stood
            in front of her she would rest her head on my shoulder and I would bury my
            nose in her neck.  I loved to smell her and she was cuddly warm.

            I had her for a couple of years and then sold her to my brother who also had
            her for quite a while.  Recently, within the last 2 years or so I think, he had to
            have her put to sleep because she was getting old and sick.  But I will never
            forget her and how awesome it was to just jump on her and go riding on trails
            through the woods or just around the pasture.  Someday I would love to own
            some horses.  It would be so cool to go horseback riding with HB and I know
            that is something that he would love too.

            Mmm... it smells good in here.  I have scented candles burning, I shut off the
            heat and opened the door so that the night air would cool off the house.  It was
            just really hot and stuffy.  I'm listening to some soft music and really enjoying
            the peace and quiet.  Both of the girls are gone so it's just me and my computer
            spending some quality time together!  Romantic huh?

            Christopher taught me how to make the cells of my tables in here different
            colors.  Cool huh?  Have I mentioned recently how much I love having a
            website?  I need to say it at least once a week.  It's the coolest thing!
            I miss my hubby.  I wish he was here right now.  You know, his faults aside, he
            is such an awesome husband.  I know my feelings are constantly up and down
            about these things which is just part of being who I am.  But he really is the
            best man for me to be married to.  I really believe that God created us for
            eachother.  He's my best friend.  I know I say Shari is my best friend or the
            Giggler is my best friend and they are in different ways.  But Dwayne truly is
            my very best friend.
 

November 16, 1999 - Tuesday Evening

            So Kara decided this weekend, and actually didn't tell us until last night, that
            she wanted to move out.  We're a little disappointed and concerned of course.
            We feel responsible for her, but since she isn't our own child there is no legal
            way we can make her live here.  We tried to talk her out of it but she's 17 and
            wants to make her own decisions and mistakes.  I understand how she feels,
            although she is definitely too young to be living out in the world without a
            guardian, in my opinion.  But all we can do now is pray for her and hope things
            work out for the best!  At least she didn't leave defiantly and rebellious.  I
            feel very much at peace with the situation even though I wish she would have
            chosen to stay.  We had a long talk before she left, we understand her feelings
            and she understands ours.  I think even in the three months that she has lived
            here that she has grown alot and is maturing.

            We have too for that matter.  I think we are learning how to parent even
            though the girls are already 17.  I definitely feel alot better about our ability
            to agree on the whole child raising process.  I used to wonder how on earth we
            were going to handle it because we had a hard time agreeing on discipline for
            the dogs, let alone children!  But we are very careful and put alot of thought
            into even small decisions where the girls are concerned.  I think that is a big
            thing right there.  So much of parenting, from what I've seen, is reactive.  It's
            almost like you're flying by the seat of your pants and thinking about things in
            retrospect.  We have tried very hard not to do that and it has made things alot
            easier.  Of course things would be different with our own child because we
            would be starting at age 0 instead of 17.  =o)

            I had a great weekend with my hubby!  On Sunday we went to church and after
            church we went to visit my Aunt and Uncle with my parents and Grandmother
            (Nana!).  We had a really nice time with them.  HB made me laugh.  My uncle and
            father were out in the living room watching a bunch of cars go around in
            circles.  (Racing.)  Instead of being in the living room with the men HB was out
            in the kitchen with us ladies, helping my aunt cook.  And even after lunch while
            I was setting up her computer he was still in the kitchen helping her put the
            dishes in the dishwasher and serving pie and ice cream.  What a good little
            helper!  He was cracking me up.  And that isn't abnormal for him when we visit
            people.  He prefers to be around the women.  Like when we go over my parents
            house, he makes himself a tea (which my father jokingly calls "a women's
            drink") and goes in Nana's room and watches TV with her.  He's quite funny.
            It's no wonder why the ladies in my family are in love with him.  I was in love
            with him the whole day.  I love being in love with him.
 

November 17, 1999 - Wednesday Evening

            Today my co-worker, Brian, asked me why I do this.  The whole journal thing.
            He said, "I thought the whole point of having a journal was that it was
            private."  I couldn't think of a good answer to tell him.  I thought about it for
            a long time.  I have no clue why I want to broadcast my journal.  What's even
            more strange is how much I really enjoy it.  The girls in the office can attest to
            this... I can read and re-read my entries over and over and not get sick of
            reading them.  And it's not like I'm conceited or anything.  Do I enjoy my life
            that much that I like to read about it over and over?  Is it because I actually
            feel like this is the one thing I have started and haven't quit yet?  I truly don't
           understand myself sometimes.

            And I truly don't understand why they spell the word bazaar the way they do.
            Why did they need two a's?  It makes no sense.  I don't know of many words
            that have two a's in a row like that.  Wouldn't it have been just as well to spell
            it bazar?  (My spell checker is screaming that bazar is an incorrect spelling -
            yes, I know this.  I love rebelling against my spell checker!)  And the word
            bazaar is like a Christmas Bazaar or something like that.  If something is
            bazaar, meaning strange, is it spelled the same way?  Or is there another
            spelling of that word that I'm missing?  The english language with all it's
            complexities is still totally beautiful.

            One of my all time favorite words is "impasse".  I'm not sure why but I just
            love that word.  I wrote a song called "Impasse" when I was a teenager.  It was
            completely sad and dreary.  It suited my mood at the time I suppose.

            So I made a dentist appointment today.  Shari will be very happy to hear that.
            I have no idea why but she is happy when I make dentist and doctor
            appointments for myself.  I think because she knows how much I absolutely
            HATE them.  Man, they couldn't see me until December 21st!  By then my teeth
            will be rotted out of my skull!  Just kidding.  Actually I have very healthy
            teeth.  Or I did the last time I went to the dentist.  I only have one filling in
            my mouth.  But I know I have at least one cavity because anytime something
            sweet gets near one of my teeth it starts aching!  And know what?  My dentist
            told me a couple years ago that I would have to have my wisdom teeth out.  I'm
            afraid that can't happen now.  See, I know it will hurt and I have a small
            problem with pain - I don't like it.  And I refuse to take pain reliever because
            of the last time taking it my throat swelled.  I'm a complete mess.  I don't want
            my wisdom teeth taken out!  =o(

            My little hubby stopped by work today to show me two books he bought for
            our niece and nephew (on his side) for Christmas.  What was cute was the fact
            that he took the initiative to go to the book store, read though lots of
            children's books, and pick out the two best books that suited my niece and
            nephew.  Nicholas (4) and Mackenzie (18 months).  Not only that but he is going
            to record himself reading them and give the tape to the kids along with some of
            our music.  He's a very special man.  This is why I know he would make such an
            awesome Dad.  I wish I could make him a Dad.
 

November 20, 1999 - Saturday Morning

            So I missed the Fed-Ex Guy the other day.  =o(  But he left me a love note on
            my monitor which explains the above.  =o)  It figures he would come in when I'm
            not there.  I tried to tell Ernie that he needs to place more orders so that we'll
            get more deliveries so that the Fed-Ex Guy will have to make more trips there.
            Ernie chuckled when I told him that.  I guess he didn't realize that I was
            serious.  Hehehehehe... just kidding.  (NOT)  (hahahaha - now you don't really
            know whether I'm kidding or not, do you?!  =oÞ)  So I didn't get to see the
            "Fed-Ex Guy Web Site Pick Of The Month".  Darnit!  Do I have to start
            working 24 hours a day?!  And Jennifer wasn't there either.  That means Kathy
            had him all to herself!  What is up with that?!

            I don't know why I haven't been writing much lately.  I guess I have been living
            my life more and thinking about other things as opposed to hanging out online.
            Although I haven't really been doing a whole lot offline either.  Working,
            hanging out with Amanda, stuff like that.  Work has been boring lately, except
            yesterday afternoon we got a billion phone calls.  I've been thinking alot about
            my role there and also my role at home.  I'm fairly responsible but I've been
            wanting to be more responsible.  I know what I need to do but I don't always
            do it, whatever it may be.

            Take the bills for example, I know what needs to be paid and by when, and I
            may even have the money, yet I procrastinate in paying them.  I know my
            bedroom needs to be cleaned and I also know I'll feel alot better if I clean it.
            While I'm at work I get all excited thinking I'm going to come home and tackle
            the bedroom and then enjoy the rest of my evening.  Nope.  Doesn't happen.
            You know my bedroom still isn't fully decorated and we have lived here for 4
            years now.  When I lived at my parents house my bedroom was almost sacred.  I
            cleaned it constantly and never procrastinated when it came to my room.  I'm
            not like that with my bedroom here.  Why is that?

            And I HAVE to start bringing my lunch to work.  I'm so tired of ordering out.
            All I have to do is cook so that I will have leftovers or make a sandwich.  But I
            don't do that either.  I haven't been cooking at all.  I could save so much money
            by cooking it isn't even funny.  I'm losing my homemaker abilities.  Not really
            abilities but my homemaker desires.

            So all of this leaves me with the question, "what exactly have I been doing with
            all my time?"

            And I want to move sooooo badly!  I want a big kitchen!  I want a bathroom
            where the toilet works normally.  I want more windows!  I want Amanda to have
            a real bedroom and not a dining room bedroom!

            Listen to me... want want want.  No wonder why nothing is happening for me.  I
            have the wrong attitude!  I'll have to work on that!
 

November 20, 1999 - Saturday Evening

            Hey, check it out... I learned how to make a seamless graphic in Paint Shop Pro
            today.  Probably only Christopher will appreciate it because he was trying to
            teach me how to do so the other night at work.  But basically do you see this
            background?  What it really is is about a 1x1 inch tile that I "colored" in PSP,
            but when you go to tile it to create the background you usually see the lines,
            therefore you see the tiles.  But making it seamless creates the illusion that it
            is one big tile and not a bunch of small ones.  See?  Course I'm much better at
            creating it than I am explaining it.

            You gotta love Netscape Composer, which is what I use to create my website.
            You can know absolutely squat about html and still have a decent site.  Some
            day I will learn everything there is to know about html.  I'm determined.  But I
            think I'm doing pretty good considering I have only had my website for 8
            months!

            So get this... if you read yesterday's entry you know that I was having a bit of
            a sour attitude dwelling on everything I don't have.  I get an email from my
            sister today and this is what she had to say on the subject...

            "Beth,
                 I am sorry I have to agree with you, you do need to work on your attitude!"

            Ummm hello, you people are not supposed to agree with me when I say bad
            things.  Only when I say good things.  Got it?  Let's go over this one more time:

            I say something negative:  You disagree
            I say something positive:  You agree

            Good, now that we got that settled...

            Oh but one more thing... telling me I have a bad attitude and apologizing for
            telling me cancel eachother out.  Geez people.  These rules are all clearly
            stated in the "Bethany Handbook".  Read 'em, know 'em, live by 'em, and the
            world will be a better place.

            Hahahahahahahahahahahaha... I DO hope you all know I'm kidding!  =oÞ  I crack
            myself up sometimes.

            I love reading online journals.  Sometimes it's hard to find an author that I
            enjoy reading but once I do I am dedicated to reading their life and I read
            from day one.  There are several journals that I "subscribe" to which just
            means I'm on their notify list.  If you want to read more journals, the ones I
            read are on my links page.  Check them out.

            But I've noticed something very strange in my journal reading.  Anytime I have
            ever chatted online and made friends with people, it was always men I made
            friends with.  Women do not chat with me for some reason.  But I've always
            enjoyed having male friends better anyways.  They were just more interesting
            to me.  And, sorry Jen and Kathy but..., men are so much easier to work with.
            You would have thought that all the journals I read were from men, but not even
            one of them is.  They are all female authors.  Weird.

            Work was boring today.  I got maybe 5 calls.  That's an average of 1.25 calls
            per hour since I worked 4 hours.  Not that any of that is important.  I just
            wanted to share my day with you cause that's the kind of girl I am.  And I'm a
            little hyper right now.

            Eww, Keisha is licking my foot.  Gross.

            Okay, I'm gonna go now!  I know if I stay I'll just get queerer and queerer and
            we don't want that now do we?
 

November 22, 1999 - Monday Evening

            I definitely feel like a girl today.  After work I had a hair appointment, came
            home and styled my new haircut, went shopping at Bath & Body Works for 2
            new Body Mist fragrances, went to Shop-n-Save to grocery shop and bought
            some facial cleanser, facial mask, and make-up, came home and gave myself a
            facial.  Poor HB had to tag along while I did all this "girl" stuff.  When we
            were at Bath & Body Works he was the only man there.  He's funny because he
            doesn't stick next to my side rolling his eyes the whole time.  He goes off on his
            own, smelling everything he can get his hands on and then brings over his
            favorites for me to check out.  He's so cute sometimes!

            Last night we rented SUCH an awesome movie!  "Instinct" with Anthony
            Hopkins.  Gosh I love him.  He's my second favorite male actor.  (Sean Connery
            comes first!)  But that movie was so good.  I cried my eyes out!  I can't handle
            seeing animals get hurt in movies.  I honestly cry more at seeing an animal get
            hurt as opposed to a person getting hurt.  I have no idea why because although
            I LOVE animals I certainly don't put their importance above that of a human.

            I got a COOL pen today!  Jeffiner (that's not a typo, that is what I call her!)
            brought it for me!  It's pink and writes kind of metallic.  It's way cool!  I'm
            definitely a pen person.  I hate writing with pencils, unless they have that big
            eraser at the end.  You know, the kind of erasers you slip on over the existing
            eraser!  Then that makes the pencil top heavy and it feels better in my hand.
            And I like pens where you can slip the cover on the end while you're writing
            with it for the same reason; makes it top heavy.  And I despise mechanical
            pencils.  I know I'm weird but I can't help it.  I have very definite
            preferences about certain things.

            It's possible that my sister and the babies will be coming to visit this
            weekend.  I'll be so happy if they do because I love those babies.  I know I say
            that like every other day but they're just so precious I can not help myself!!!  I
            really hope they can make it for a visit.  Rhonda called me tonight and said
            Caitlin is learning new words every day and I'm missing it all!  =o(

            Did I ever mention in here that Caitlin was supposed to be a twin?  Rhonda
            miscarried the other baby but Caitlin was born fine, obviously.  I always
            wonder what the other baby would have been like.  Emely, Caitlin's little sister
            (they are 11 months apart) is really nothing like Caitlin.  She has a completely
            different temperament and she doesn't look much like her.  They just seem so
            different and I always wonder what Caitlin's twin would have been like.  If it
            was a boy or girl and if it was a fraternal or identical twin.  The doctors
            weren't able to tell that info.

            Oh well... I am sooooo tired!  I need some sleep!  Nite...
 

November 23, 1999 - Tuesday Evening

            Gosh I'm so emotional.  Today at work I was so happy and excited and giggling.
            Then tonight I was sad and sad.  It's impossible that I have PMS again because
            I just got over it.  I always like to think that, though, when I go from one
            extreme to the other, emotionally speaking.  When I can explain it away with
            PMS I can tell myself to be patient for a couple days and it will pass.
            However, when my emotionalism isn't caused by PMS then I have to admit that
            I'm a happy girl that gets sad sometimes.

            I'm so mad at myself these days.  I can't seem to get anything done.  And I
            mean anything.  I'm procrastinating with everything.  This is how sad it is...

            I consider the following HUGE accomplishments:

            1)  paid my electric and cable bill
            2)  wrote a letter to my sister-in-law
            3)  survived singing in church on Sunday
            4)  did a small amount of grocery shopping

            Those are tasks I should be able to do, and do them effortlessly.  Yet every
            small thing seems to be a struggle for me lately.  I don't understand.

            And everyone is either pregnant, trying, or just had a baby.  I look around at
            all of that and wonder why I am still childless.  I always believed that God
            blessed a marriage with children.  I can't help but wonder why He hasn't
            blessed ours yet.  What am I doing wrong?  People who aren't even married
            have children.  People who don't even want children have children.  People that
            hate God have children.  Thousands (millions?) of women get pregnant and kill
            their babies.  I can not fathom any of that.

            So if I can't even pay a bill or write a letter or sing a song or grocery shop,
            what makes me think I'd make a good mother?  Because I'm good at loving
            someone.

            As sad as I get about this situation sometimes, I refuse to be angry with God
            about it.  I must trust Him at all costs.  Even if I never become a mother, I will
            not blame God.  Someday I will ask Him why, but I won't question why.  There's
            a difference.
 

November 24, 1999 - Wednesday Evening

            The chickens are still alive!  My neighbor, Dick, has chickens and two turkeys.
            This morning when I left for work the turkeys were still there and they were
            making sad noises.  I think they knew.  When I came home I looked in their
            cage... it was dark so I couldn't tell if they were still there or if they were...
            well, slaughtered, plucked, dressed, stuffed, and are awaiting tomorrow's
            Thanksgiving dinner.  But hey, the chickens are still there.

            Hey, I colored the above picture online.  If you click on the picture it will take
            you to the website that I colored it at.  Go... have fun... OH BUT WAIT!  At
            least read the rest of my entry first.  =oÞ

            Okay, I need to discuss something about the mens bathroom at work.  It isn't
            really a mens bathroom.  There are three bathrooms at work; one is next to
            Ernie's office, one is "considered" the mens room, and the other is "considered"
            the ladies room.  That's only because I complained that the men were somewhat
            slobbish and we shouldn't have to be subjected to that.  So Ernie said we girls
            could choose one of the bathrooms, the one that locks with a key, and only have
            the ladies using it.  ANYWAYS, the mens room is still pretty much open for
            anyone to use.  I needed to share the bathroom history of where I work.  Now
            to my point... Today I had to rinse a bowl out and decided to use the mens
            room.  This is the first time I've noticed the faucets in the sink.

            On the left hand side of the sink there is one faucet and one faucet handle, the
            water comes out hot but the handle is marked with a "C".  On the right hand
            side of the sink there is a separate faucet and separate faucet handle, the
            water comes out cold but the handle is marked with an "S".  Does anyone see
            the problem with this?  If you turn both faucets on there are two streams of
            water, one hot and one cold, and they don't even touch eachother.  Now tell me...
            what brilliant frenchman put that lovely piece of plumbing together?  And I
            only say frenchman because HB is french and I make fun of him all the time for
            doing things the "french" way.  Although I don't believe in stereo typing... who
            else would do something like that?

            Today's stupid ear worm lyrics of the day from "Funkytown":

            "Well, now talk about it, talk about it, talk about it, talk about it.  Talk about,
            talk about, talk about moving.  Gotta move on, gotta move on..."  Need I
            continue?  How can people get away with lyrics like that?  Although obviously
            they did, and I DO like the song.  But still.
                                       *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *
            Okay I was gone for a while.  We watched the movie "The Haunting".  That was
            scary, which is why I came back to write some more.  When I watch a scary
            movie at night I have to do something in between watching it and going to bed.
            Otherwise I'll have nightmares and I loathe nightmares.

            Earlier I tried my hand at making Toll House Pie.  I think it will be really good
            but it is so rich.  HB and I decided at the last minute to stay home for
            Thanksgiving and spend the day alone together.  Amanda has to work (which is
            so stupid for Wal-Mart to be open on a holiday - shows you how money hungry
            retail stores are) so we will have the house to ourselves.  So I rented a bunch
            of movies and we'll enjoy a nice meal together and watch the movies.

            Lately I'm really enjoying spending time with him and have felt "in love" again.
            That's a great feeling.  It's something I have been praying alot about and it
            appears that God is healing us in that area.  We argue alot about stupid things
            still.  We both are different in some ways and exactly the same in other ways.
            It makes for a tumultuous relationship but I'm so happy to be married to him!

            Well, I think I need to go!  Got an awesome day planned for tomorrow and I
            want to be well rested!  Goodnight!
 

November 29, 1999 - Monday Evening

            Dick's turkeys are still alive!  I guess he didn't feel like eating them for
            Thanksgiving after all.  Ooh aren't they lucky!  Now they aren't making such
            sad noises.  But maybe he will eat them for Christmas.  He certainly isn't
            raising them for pets!

            Our Thanksgiving was awesome!  Dwayne and I were alone all day.  We had a
            nice dinner together and watched some movies.  I don't think that we have ever
            spent a holiday alone like that in the almost 7 years we have been married.  We
            actually won't be celebrating our 7 year anniversary until February 14th.  But
            for some reason I keep saying we've been married for 7 years.  Alot of people
            have asked me if we have experienced the 7 year itch yet.  I don't believe in
            superstitions at all.  But we certainly have had our ups and downs.  Lately
            though I have been really happy with our relationship for the most part.  God
            really blessed me with him although sometimes I take my blessings for granted.
            I suppose that's human nature.

            I'm not only the queerest person in the whole wide world, I'm the queerest
            person in the whole wide universe.  And beyond the universe.  Listen to what I
            did...

            I get my hair cut at a salon called Hair Excitement.  The last time I went there
            I wrote a check.  I just recently got my bank statement in the mail and as I'm
            putting the returned checks in order I come across the one I wrote for my hair
            cut.  I look at who the check is made out to:

            Pay to the order of:    Hair Exciteman

            What on earth is wrong with me?!  Exciteman?  What must they have been
            thinking of me?  Yet they didn't catch it right away after I wrote it because
            obviously they would have asked me to fix it.  Where was my mind?  I'm SO
            embarrassed.  But I laughed like crazy when I saw that.  It's such a good thing
            I can laugh at myself, otherwise I'd be in trouble.

            HEY!  I have a brand new baby nephew!!  Dwayne's sister, Renee had her baby
            a few weeks early!  I'm SOOOO excited!  His name is Brenton Lewis.  I LOVE
            that name!  They are the ones that live about 7 hours away from us so I can't
            see him right away.  But we are going there for a visit sometime in December so
            I can't wait.  Renee and Jon now have 3 kids, Nicholas (4 years old),
            Mackenzie (18 months old) and Brenton (1 day old).  =o)

            Last night we went to the movies to see "The Messenger".  That was an awesome
            movie.  Sad but awesome.  I was trying to convince Dwayne to go to "Toy
            Story" but he feels weird going to kid's movies without taking kids.  But I
            loved the first Toy Story so much!

            I'm so exhausted.  We went Christmas shopping.  We have alot of it done and it
            isn't even December yet.  That is SO not like us.  But it makes the thought of
            Christmas not so stressful.  I'm already relieved!

            Well, I wanted to get caught up in here but I am falling asleep so I have to go
            to bed!  Goodnight!