October 1, 1999 - Friday Evening

Okay, I've been playing with paint shop pro again!  I made leaves!  Cool huh?!  I love that
program soooo much!  It's so cool!  I'm just getting into the Autumn spirit!  Hmmm, I wonder
how many different fallish backgrounds I can make.

So today this guy calls up and asks me how I am...  This is how the conversation went:

Guy:  "How are you?"
Me:  "I'm great, and you?"
Guy:  "I'm good now and getting better every minute!"
(Now, I know it's Friday but this guy sounds awful happy even for a Friday...)
Me:  "Well, how can I help you?"
Guy:  Chuckles
Me:  Chuckle back somewhat nervously
Guy:  "Yup, it's a very good day indeed..."
Me:  "Okay, well that's great..."
(Get on with it mister...)
Guy:  "I'm sorry, you have a really nice voice."
Me:  "Uhhh... thank you..."
Guy:  "I mean, you have the kind of voice that if I wasn't already married I'd be on my way to
meet you right now."
(Okay, yes, I'm very flattered...)
Guy:  "But I AM married."
(He sighs at this point...)
Me:  "Well, I'm married too."
Guy:  "Okay, good, now I don't feel so bad.  But you do have a very pretty voice..."

And then he finally told me what he needed help with.

Okay... I'm not even going to pretend that I don't LOVE it when a man tells me that I have a
nice voice.  But I do feel like reminding them at times that nice voices, over the phone, are
deceiving.  A friend once told me that by listening to my voice you could think I was a run way
model or something.  Well, I'm not even close, not anywheres near, not warm or even luke
warm, not near the target...  But wouldn't it be cool to be a woman who is average in looks and
overweight - getting by on her voice alone?  Yeah, they are called phone sex operators and if
I had no morals I'd consider it.  (Sorry Dad!  Just a joke!)  Hehehehehe!

I haven't told a bug story for a while so I might as well throw one in here now.  There are
approximately 376 flies in here.  Actually, there are probably only about 3 but they sure do
seem like more!  Flies bother me soooo much!  Well, for some reason Keisha feels it
necessary to chase after them in the hopes of catching one and eating it.  She will literally
hunt one fly for hours and then when she finally catches it she chews on it for 5 minutes.

Okay, this is one thing I don't understand about dogs.  They see a tiny little fly, hunt it down,
and chew it for several minutes like it's a piece of steak or something.  But if you give them
an actual piece of steak they take it in their mouths and swallow it whole without even chewing
it once.  Does that make sense?  What is up with dogs and why do they do the weird things
they do?

I'm tired... I think I'm going to go to bed now... Night!!
 

October 2, 1999 - Saturday Night

I know I keep saying this but I really am having fun with paint shop pro.  How cool is this
background?  How very Autumn-like?!  Man, I could just kiss my computer sometimes!  I'm in
love with my computer.  I'm seriously not a material person.  What I love about my computer
is that it allows me to be create and do stuff I really enjoy doing.  I don't know... sometimes
this website makes me too darn happy.  And it has nothing to do with me being arrogant or
overly confident in what I am doing on here.  Because trust me, I have read alot of journals
and visited alot of personal websites and there are WAY cool ones out there.  Mine is NO
comparison.  I simply love my website because writing just does something to my soul.  I
never get up from the computer after writing a journal entry and feel thoroughly and
completely depressed.  Sometimes I write sad entries but I always walk away feeling
better.  I just feel good about it.  I feel like I am accomplishing something.

I surprised HB at work today and came to have lunch with him.  It was really supper because
he works second shift.  It was nice.  Okay and listen... I went shopping for his birthday and
bought him a Discman, two cds, and a carrying pack for all of it.  By the time he got home
tonight I couldn't wait any longer to give them to him.  His birthday isn't until Tuesday but I
had to give them to him now because I knew he would really like what I got him.

See, he has been wanting a Discman for a long time and they're really not that expensive, but
any time he has a chunk of money that he could buy one for himself he doesn't.  He would
rather buy something for me, for the girls, or something he is in desperate need of - which
usually boils down to socks and undies.  Hehehehe!  So I knew that if I didn't get him one he
would never buy one for himself even though it's something he has really wanted.  So I felt
really good about making a good birthday choice, hence the reason I could no longer wait to
give it to him!

This is the whole reason I totally wait until the last minute to do Christmas shopping.  There is
no way I could wait until Christmas to give the person the present.  When I have something I
want to give someone it can not wait.  I'm so bad at that!  Sometimes I am begging HB to give
him his gifts early.  I guess that all comes from my need for instant gratification.  Oh well.
That's me... take me or leave me!

Gotta go to bed now!  Night!
 

October 3, 1999 - Sunday Night

Whew, this one is a little bright.  I still like it though.  =oÞ

We got a kitten today!  Her name is Edna.  Weird name for a kitten?  Yes, but if it had been a
male his name would have been Bob.  Anyways, Edna has long hair, she's mostly black with a
little bit of white in some places and a little bit of tan on her face, with blue eyes.  She meows
constantly unless you hold her and she hasn't used the litter box yet.  She can barely even
get inside the litter box.  Keisha likes her but she wants to play with her and Edna isn't ready
to play yet.  I've been calling her the baby all day.  She has just learned how to drink milk
from a bowl and her head is so heavy that her face falls in the milk when she reaches down to
drink.  We got a water bottle (used for hamsters) to make it a little easier for her.

Edna, the baby, is sleeping, Keisha is fly hunting, and HB and the girls are watching a Steven
Segal movie.  Eww.

Speaking of flies... last night HB was wandering around the house carrying a fly swatter and
looking for fly victims to swat.  He was being queer  pretending the fly swatter was a sword
and he was Highlander.  So we started calling him FLYLANDER... it was quite funny!

We're mailing our first car payment for the new car out tomorrow.  Yay.

OOOH... she caught one.
 

October 5, 1999 - Tuesday Night

Edna is a boy.  In honor of that discovery HIS name has now been changed to Moses Robert
Bailey.  We really wanted him to be a little girl kitten but apparently he's not going to
cooperate.  Oh well.  It's okay.  By the way, none of our last names are Bailey but the girls
liked this name... so be it.

I didn't feel like creating a happy colorful fall background this evening.  I'm not in the best
of moods.  Other than the fact that Shari made some pumpkin squares and brought them over
tonight, my day has been pretty yucky.  I was actually okay most of the day but sometimes
people make me sad.  Sometimes I'm a fool for believing in people, for loving people, for
caring about people.  I just end up getting hurt.  Why bother?  But it's my own fault I
suppose.  A person can not be hurt unless they give someone permission to hurt them.  Why
would I give someone permission to hurt me on purpose?

Sometimes I make stupid decisions.  Sometimes I know I'm going to make a stupid decision
and I decide to make it anyways.  I think it all comes down to weakness.  For someone who is
so stubborn I can be pretty weak sometimes.

Well, Little Buck is gone.  Friday was his last day.  I thought I was going to have to hire
someone but it turns out I don't!  One of the girls in Billing, Kathy, has agreed to replace him.
Not that anyone can replace him.  =o)  I'm very happy about this!  Oh wait... I'm supposed to
be in a bad mood - that means no smiling and no exclamation points.  Let me try that again...

I'm feeling good about the fact that Kathy has agreed to come work with us.  Wow, so it will
be me, Jennifer, and Kathy... I hope we don't all end up with PMS on the same week.  That
could be dangerous.

Hey, today is HB's birthday.  I love that man.  He's finally 29 too.  I'm 7 months older than
him.

I'm tired.  Good night.
 

October 7, 1999 - Thursday Night

Hmmm...  I like this.  It's cool.

So things have been a bit tense between HB and I the last few days.  I don't know why
because things were going really good but we go through these phases sometimes where we
just can't spend longer than 15 minutes together without arguing.  It usually happens when
we haven't spent much time together.  I feel bad though because the girls I think sometimes
feel that their living here causes stress between him and I.  And really that isn't the case.
Every day they're here I'm more thankful to have them.  It's really hard to explain but
that's how I feel.  The stress between HB and I just comes from normal, every day marital
struggles.  I think they are so afraid of conflict because they think all conflict, or most
conflict, ends with divorce.  Maybe it's good for them to see that not all marriages end in
divorce.

Moses isn't doing very well.  This morning when we got up he was half dead.  HB and Kara
ended up taking him to the vets.  His body temperature was really low and he was
dehydrated.  Because he just hasn't been eating or drinking no matter what we give him.  He
stayed there for a while so they could watch him and then they sent him home.  Every 1/2
hour he has to be fed glucose stuff and have his temperature checked.  Checking his
temperature involves a rectal thermometer.  Not a nice thing.  Poor little kitten.  =o(   I hope
he makes it.

All day long I think of things to write and then I get home and get settled and can't
remember what I wanted to write.  What is up with that?
 

October 8, 1999 - Friday Evening

Okay, that is way too cool.  I totally love Paint Shop Pro and I could just kiss myself for doing
such a cool job on that.  Full of myself?  Naaa, not me.  I'm talking about the above graphics
by the way.

I got another Alison Krauss CD tonight.  I love her but I like the other CD better.

I got a perm.  Now I have curly hair again.  Actually for the time being I have poodle hair.  I
can't wait for it to be normal!

Tonight on our way to Wal-Mart Amanda and Kara decided to pick their noses while looking
out the window at the line of cars that was traveling along side us.  Then along comes a
bicyclist.  He didn't have a chance of escaping a drive-by comment.  I think they shouted
something about viagra and constipation.  They are quite naughty but they do make me laugh.

This reminds me of another time when Kara and I were in Wal-Mart.  She was waiting to go
talk to her ex-boyfriend (he works there) and she was so nervous that without realizing it
she picked a zit and made it start bleeding.  HOW embarrassing.  Because then she had to go
in to talk to him covering up her bleeding face.  Although she didn't care.  She just walked in
and informed him that she just picked her zit.  We laughed SO HARD we almost pee'd our
pants.  It was quite funny.

Right now Manda is coloring Kara's hair.  They are being queer.  I think her hair is turning
red.  She wanted it light brown/dark blonde.  That aint happening I don't think.

Hmmm... today was a mixture of a good and bad day.  It was a nice day, not too stressful, and
things are working out nicely having Kathy working with Jen and I.  I thought it might be
difficult having three women in one small office.  It took a long time for Jen and I to click
and become close and once we did I didn't know how it would work with a third female.  But
Kathy fits in good and so far we're having a good time.

But I kinda got in a disagreement with the Giggler and I hate it when that happens because
he seriously is my best friend (other than Shari) and it makes me sad when we disagree.  I
guess every friendship has it's ups and downs, but still.

Moses is doing a little better.  He's not out of the woods yet.  He needs constant care just
like a newborn.  But we love him so it's okay.  Actually HB was the one who got up with him all
last night - every half hour.  He slept on the couch with him so he wouldn't disturb me.  HB
would be such a great Dad.  =o)
 

October 9, 1999 - Saturday Evening
Okay, my graphics are getting weak now.  I'm not being original.  Oh well.

OH MAN... it is way too hot in this house.  We have to keep it warm for Moses and we are all
just about dying from heat exhaustion.  But HB is adamant that we keep it this warm.

So listen to this.  I got the Fed-Ex guy's email address and sent him the url for this site.
Now he has read everything I've written about him (until now).  Hehehehe... Oh listen to
something else... this OTHER Fed-Ex Guy came in the other day to borrow our phone.  He
asked us if we knew Brian.  Well duhhh, yes.  Of course he couldn't have known though.
Anyways, we informed the Fed-Ex Guy Wannabe that Brian was our favorite, no offense.
Actually FEGW was pretty cute too but hasn't earned the right to be called "THE Fed-Ex
Guy".  Anyways... we talked a few minutes about Brian and then FEGW left.  He just so
happened to be there the same time as The Fed-Ex Guy was who was outside near his truck
because he was delivering something to another business.  We looked out the window and saw
FEGW talking to Brian and they were both giggling.  I can only imagine what FEGW told him.
Hehehe - it was funny.

Okay so have I proven yet that we have nothing else more exciting to do than allow our fun to
revolve around a guy that delivers Fed-Ex packages?  And now poor Brian probably thinks
we're obsessed and is going to start having nightmares of us now.  Brian, we're harmless, I
promise.  =o)

HB and I went out for breakfast this morning.  I like him.

The girls and I went to Best Buy to look for CD's.  They got Garth Brooks, The Cranberries,
and Lauryn Hill.  I got KISS.  That is totally NOT ME.  I normally don't like that kind of
music, and I don't really like the CD.  Except for ONE SONG.  So basically I paid $13.99 for
one song.  But it was worth it because it is my all time favorite song I think.  I know I've said
that before about other songs and I always end up changing my mind but I'm serious this
time.  The song "Beth".  Of course I have to love that song.  It's my name!  But that isn't why
I like the song.  I don't know why I like it so much.  It's sad and it makes me want to cry.
You gotta love songs that make you cry.  Or at least I do.  =oÞ
 

October 10, 1999 - Sunday Evening

I'm getting the moving bug again.  We have been here for... gosh, I'm losing track of the
years... let me figure it out...

In 92 we got married and lived in our first apartment, Christmas of 92 we bought a mobile
home and in August of 93 moved it to my brother's land up in Maine, March of 94 moved back
home and into my parents house, January of 95 moved into a condo, and November of 95
moved here.  Okay, so we've been here for 4 years.  This is the longest we've ever lived
anywhere.  Every once in a while I get the urge to move.  Actually it's more often than once in
a while.  I really love this place.  I love the farm, the neighbors are all cool and all quiet, I
love everything about it on the outside.  But the apartment is so small and I go crazy here
sometimes.  And the floor is crooked.  That bugs me.  And I hate the ticks in the Spring.  And
I hate the dust problem.  Oh, and by the way, the toilet is leaking and sweating again.  Man,
this bugs me.

So yesterday I mention to HB that I'd like to start apartment hunting again - he freaks out
and tells me not to stress him out with the apartment thing again.  And I know how he feels
because looking for apartments around here is the pits.  But we need more space so badly.  I
can't handle another winter here.  I wish God would make a way for us to be able to move.  I
guess I should start praying about it.

There are alot of things I should start praying about.  I want my marriage to be better.  It's
not like it's bad right now, but it could be better.  You know, I never really believed in the
superstition of the seven year itch.  I still don't.  Every year our married life has brought it's
own problem.  We have conquered it all so far.  However, there are times when I get tired of
the sameness.

The other day I was talking to someone about marriage and she said something to me that
made me think.  We were talking about marriage becoming old and she said something to this
effect (talking about her and her husband), "we're best friends, it almost feels like a
platonic relationship".  I asked myself, "Is that how I feel?  Is that where we're headed?"

Have you ever looked up the word platonic in the dictionary?  It says:  "Purely spiritual or
free from sensual desire, as applied to love or friendship between persons of the opposite
sex; of persons, feeling or professing such love; a close relationship between two persons in
which sexual desire has been suppressed or sublimated."

Oh gosh, now I have to look up sublimated.  It says:  "To direct the expression of (as
desires) toward more socially or culturally acceptable ends."

In other words, that ain't good for a marriage.  I really don't want my marriage to be like
that.  But how do you keep things new and exciting?  Marriage is constant work.  Yay.
 

October 11, 1999 - Monday Evening

This is my house.  Actually the house I live in.  We don't own it.  We rent the lower right hand
corner apartment.  I'm so ready to move.  I am in the grouchiest mood of my entire life.  And
I'm not kidding.  Everything is getting on my nerves and these poor people I live with are
having to put up with me.  I don't know why I'm like this today.  Normally I'm very easy
going.  For some reason I'm Queen Grump today.  I'm hoping that I wake up in a better mood
tomorrow.

I hate my scanner.  I worked on scanning pics for an hour and they all came out like total
complete utter crap.  I have no clue why.  The pics I was scanning in the beginning came out
really good.  I have tried everything I can think of.

This whole Moses thing is driving me crazy.  I feel like picking petals off a flower chanting
"He lives... He lives not... He lives... He lives not" because this morning when we woke up he
wasn't doing very well at all.  He could barely move again.  So HB had to take him back to the
vets.  So, so far we have spent over $80 in vet bills and supplies on a free kitten.  And none
of that even includes his first general check up and shots.  He needs to be given special milk,
he eats baby food as well as kitten food, he needs the glucose stuff, he has ointment for his
eyes, he has this other disease that is common in outdoor cats but I forgot what it was called,
so we have to get the medication for that, he has to sleep with a hot water bottle, we have to
keep the house at 75, when he meows you can see his mouth moving but no sound comes out,
he's scrawny and he wobbles when he walks, he's basically a mess.  But as young and weak
and sick as he is he still knows how to use his litter box.  I can not wait for him to get older, if
he ever makes it that far it will be a miracle.  I prayed that God would heal him.

I hate my poodle hair.
 

October 12, 1999 - Tuesday Evening

Anyone feel like debating with me tonight?  Come on... you know you want to...

I often hear parents make this statement:  "I can't protect my child from everything.  The
best thing I can do is teach him/her right from wrong and hope he/she makes the best
decision when put in a tempting situation."

I disagree with this statement.  I do agree we can't be with our children 24 hours a day.
They have school, we have work; they visit their friends, we go grocery shopping; they need
their space, we need our sanity.  I understand all of that.

But how often do we, as adults, make the best decision when put in a tempting situation?  Not
very often and at this point in our lives we should have learned right from wrong.  Children
haven't been on this earth long enough to have finalized their personalities, and established
their beliefs, and perfected defending themselves.  How can we expect them to make good
decisions on their own?

I feel we should protect our children as much as we can and be with them as often as
possible.  Now, there is a difference between protecting them and sheltering them and they
need both to a certain degree.  But you also always hear parents say "I can't shelter
him/her.  He/she won't know how to live in the real world."  Well, what purpose does it do to
show our children the real world and all the temptations of it and then tell them they can't
take part in it?  That makes no sense since they aren't strong enough individuals to be
exposed to the world and not want to take part in it.  So yes, I believe we should protect
them and shelter them as long as possible.

Oh well... it's just my opinion and I welcome yours!

Moses has decided to live today and honor us with his little feline presence for another day.
I think he's doing this on purpose.  He's thinking... "Ahh, I think I'll stick around another day
and see how much more I can possibly get them to spend at the vet."  Oh well.  Whatever he
wants is fine by me.  I just want him to live.

Okay so Amanda and I have this thing about rating belches.  Disgusting I know but it's way
funny.  She'll burp and say, "what was that?"  To which I must respond with the appropriate
rating, 1 through 10, 10 being the best.  I'm so used to doing this that we can be in a totally
serious conversation, she'll burp, and I'll immediately say, "8" (she rarely exceeds this
rating) and we'll continue with the conversation.  I must say that I'm the queerest person in
the whole wide world, and my niece takes after me.  How COOL is that?!
 

October 13, 1999 - Tuesday Evening

I have PMS.  Seriously.  You know what the awesome thing about PMS is?  The promise that it
will be over in a week.  I've always taken pride in the fact that when I have PMS I'm not that
dreaded "B" word that some OTHER women get labeled.  Well, until this week.  I've been
really irritable with HB.  I don't mean to be but it's like I can't control myself and I have
acted like a complete jerk to him.  Although he could have avoided that if he would have just
given me my own way and agreed with everything I said.  Simple really.  Hehehehe - I'm so
naughty.

You know what?  Sometimes it scares me how much I love people.  I don't mean loving people
in general, which I do, but I mean loving the people that I have chosen to love.  If I think
about every person in my life that I love, it scares me that I love them that much.  It scares
me to think what I would do without them.  I don't ever want to face that.  What will I do
when I have to?  Will I go crazy?  Or am I stronger than I think and be able to deal with it?

Another sure sign of PMS is that I cry very easily over things.  I confuse myself really.  One
minute I'm laughing and happy, the next sad and crying.  Today I'm a little sad because one
of my friends is struggling with something and I can't help him with it, which frustrates me.

I'm listening to Alison Krauss again.  Here... let me sing you some...

"I hope that I won't be that wrong anymore.  I hope that I've learned this time.  I hope that
I find what I'm reaching for, the way that it is in my mind.  Some day I'll get over you, I'll
live to see it all through, but I'll always miss dreaming my dreams with you."

Do you ever wonder what was going on during someone's life when you read lyrics to the
songs they write?  Like what is she trying to say here?  Was she in love with someone she
shouldn't have been?  And what was wrong about loving this person?  Okay so call me
analytical but my mind needs to know these things.

Hmmmm, I think I'm craving MY song... let me put it on!

Ahhhhhhhh there we go.... mmmmmmm there is no greater song than this.  ("Beth" by KISS in
case you haven't been paying attention.)

Good night!!!
 

October 14, 1999 - Thursday

One day at work I was standing in front of a map that hangs on our wall.  I was looking for
Avon, Mass.  The Fed-Ex Guy came in, asked me what I was looking for, I told him, and he
began to help me look for it.  It was this long, drawn out process because it's hard to find
anything on that map.  Well, my phone rang so I went back to my desk to answer it.  The
Fed-Ex Guy continued to look for Avon.  Once he found it, he grabbed a yellow post-it note,
wrote "Avon" and stuck it to the map to show where it was.  Then he waved goodbye and
left.  That was like 2 months ago.  The post-it is still there.  I tell him we leave it there in
honor of him, and everyone that comes into the office asks why there is a post-it that says
"Avon" stuck to the map.  I've told the story hundreds of times (actually maybe more like
nine times).  Well, because there are a bunch of wise guys in our office, slowly other post-it
notes have begun to appear on the map pointing out other towns.  I never see anyone put
them there (except the one Jen put up today), they just show up.  There are now about 7 of
them all over the map.

Do you see what one delivery man can do to an office?!

Kathy, Jen, and I had fun today.  Not that we don't miss Little Buck, because we do... but it's
really cool to have just us girls in the office.  We can talk about all kinds of things that a girl
just can't say in front of a guy!

Oh... here's something I was very unhappy about today.  It took me about 15 minutes to get
the nerve up to walk out the door today.  Why?  Because it was extremely windy out and I
had a dress on.  Not a good combo.  I opened the door, started to walk out, and my dress was
blowing up all over the place.  So I turned around and ran back in.  It literally took me about
5 minutes to figure out how I was going to get to my car without flashing everyone.  How
embarrassing is that?!  Wanna know what I did?  I'm so smart I could just kiss myself!  Hold
on... I think I will... Okay, so anyways... My dress is long so I gathered it at the bottom with a
rubber band, close to my legs.   Not only did it make it tighter around my legs but it also
made it heavier and it didn't blow up as much.  So... I made it.  Whew!  That could have been
scary!

Mmmm I'm listening to my Alison Krauss CD... again.  Let me sing to you some more...

"I don't pick up the mail, I don't pick up the phone.  I don't answer the door, I'd just soon
be alone.  I don't keep this place up, I just keep the lights down.  I don't live in these rooms,
I just rattle the ground.  I'm just a ghost in this house.  I'm just a shadow upon these walls.
As quietly as a mouse I haunt these halls.  I'm just a whisper of smoke.  I'm all that's left of
two hearts on fire, that once burned out of control.  You took my body and soul.  I'm just a
ghost in this house."

How sad.  And it's even more sad hearing the haunting melody of the song.  I wish you could
hear it.  It's so sad.  Waaaaaaaaaaaaah.  I want to cry now.  This is the best CD in the whole
wide world.  Until she comes out with her next one probably.  =o)

I called Dwayne at work tonight.  I wasn't happy that he didn't do the laundry.  It's his job.
But I shouldn't have called him just to tell him I was unhappy with something he didn't do.  I
REALLY, and I'm serious, am going to make a better effort to be nicer.  Any time I am
stressed or sad or upset he is the one who I take it out on, when he's the very one who
should receive the very best I have to offer.  Not the worst.

I'm going to go.  He should be home soon.  I need to hug him.
 

October 16, 1999 - Saturday Night

The worst has happened... all three of us girls, me, Amanda, and Kara are... how
do I put this delicately?... are experiencing the same "monthly cycle".  No wonder things are
so tense around here... no wonder poor HB is flipping out over the tiniest things... no wonder
we've consumed 100 pounds of chocolate this week... no wonder I hate my life today.  Wow, is
this what it was like in the Brady Bunch household?  Not a good thing at all.  But do you want to
hear the queerest thing in the whole wide world?  When we found out about this we were all
excited and giggling and high-fiving eachother and saying, "We RULE!"  And you know what?
What man would argue with us right at this moment?

Oh, and another thing... the ladybug nightmare has begun.  Right now there are 3 ladybugs
flirting with my lightbulb.  Ladies.... don't do it... he'll only hurt you!  Sure, the warmth is nice
at first, but in the end you'll get burned!

Okay, this kitten is about to drive me over the edge.  It won't make up it's mind whether it
wants to live or die.  But he's actually been pretty good for the past 2 days.  But listen to
this... Amanda and I don't really have a whole lot to do with the kitten.  Mostly HB and Kara
take care of him.  Amanda is worse than me, she doesn't even have any desire to touch him.
Well the other day I overhear the following short conversation:

Amanda:  "Dude, you're kitten is crying."
Kara:  "Yeah, so what do you want me to do about it?"
Amanda:  "Well, he's LOOKING at me."

Heaven forbid Amanda would have to pick him up or touch him or something.  It was actually
very funny and I laughed my head off.

Ummmm I think I have a pocketbook problem.  I'm obsessed with pocketbooks and wallets.
And the more compartments the better!  But I know I'm not alone.  Because the check out
lady got all excited when she got her hands on my new pocketbook.  She purposely took about
an hour removing all the stuffing from the 104 compartments, running her fingers along each
zipper and admiring each snap as she went along.  She fondled my pocketbook.  Is that legal?

I met some new friends chatting today.  And also some new jerks.  This is a sample of one of
my conversations with a jerk:

Jerk:  Hello
Me:  Hello, how are you?
Jerk:  A/S/L
    (Age/Sex/Location for those of you that don't speak chat language)
Me:  29/Sometimes/NH
    (HAHAHAHAHAHA just kidding!  I didn't say that!)
Me:  29/Female/NH, and you?
Jerk:  42/Male/CA
Me:  Cool, are you married?  Do you have any kids?
Jerk:  Cup size?

Okay... let's stop at this point.  Why on EARTH does that matter?  Haven't men figured out
yet that they will get NOwhere starting a conversation like that with a woman?

Anyways... I have to go, I'm tired and I want to play with my new pocketbook before I go to
bed!  Nite nite!
 

October 21, 1999 - Thursday Evening

I was hating my new pocketbook - so I bought another one.  I was attracted to this new one
because it had even more compartments!!  Wooo Hooo!  Now, normally I do not make a habit
out of buying pocketbooks.  But I need the right one.  Once I find the perfect one for me;
the one I was meant to be with for the rest of my life I will make a commitment and settle
down.  But there are alot of pocketbooks I must weed through first.

Ahhh... it's a tough job being a woman!

The Fed-Ex Guy came in yesterday.  He didn't even have anything to deliver, he just stopped
by to say Hi and show us another cool website.  We showed him the map that has the post-its
all over it.  Hehehehe.

Well, today for the 4th or 5th time Moses was half dead.  HB called me at work to let me
know.  I flipped out.  I feel bad for this kitten but I just can not take this anymore.  We
can't care for him the way he needs to be cared for.  He has to be constantly fed and held
and warmed and we just can't be around 24 hours a day for him.  I practically begged HB to
take him to the Humane Society to see if they can nurse him back to health and then maybe
they can find a nice home for him.  Gee whiz if I had known it was going to be so hard I
wouldn't have even attempted to get him.  I know normally kittens aren't that much work,
but he certainly needs more than we can give him.  Everyone is taking it well because I think
at this point everyone has come to the same conclusion as above.  Oh well.  When something
like that happens it leaves me thinking what the heck was the purpose of that?  It's so weird.

I have a houseful tonight.  My sister Rhonda is spending the night with all 4 of her kids!!!
Well, Amanda is always here obviously because she lives with me, but Rhonda is here with her
other 3 kids!  Tonight I took Caitlin to Wal-Mart and couldn't help but buy her a cute little
outfit.  Baby clothes are so adorable!  And Caitlin is as adorable as ever!

My sister just told me the other day she was in a "hate it mood" as we like to call it.  It was a
man "hate it mood" and she said to her boyfriend, "if I call you a man then that's an insult!"  I
can't believe she said that!  That is way too funny!  We giggle about being in hate it moods.
I'm trying to think how to explain what a hate it mood is.  It's where we're grouchy and say
we hate everything but yet we're still laughing about it.  I don't know.  That's the best way
to explain it.

Well, I have to get going for now!  Good night!
 

October 23, 1999 - Saturday Evening

      The house is quiet once again.  I found out that my sister and her boyfriend spell
      Emily's name Emely.  I've been spelling it wrong all this time.  Well, not really.  It
      was spelled Emily on her birth certificate but they have decided to spell it Emely
      now.  Emely pretty much doesn't like anyone except her Mom.  If her Mom is out
      of the room and you look at her she'll start crying.  She's getting better the
      more she comes over and the longer she stays but it's hard to bond with her the
      way I bonded with Caitlin.  Caitlin was never like that with me.  She was like that
      with everyone else but not me.  Except maybe the very first time I had her
      overnight.  But I love both babies so much!  How can two children be so precious?!

      I've been thinking about old friends the past couple of days.  I have no idea why
      but I have.  The thing is all my friends are friends online.  Most people wouldn't
      even consider them friends.  I do though.

      My friend Dennis is getting back online!  I'm so excited!  He was someone I met
      online and after about 1 or 2 weeks of us emailing back and forth he took a job
      and moved to where he couldn't be online except to go to the public library once
      in a while.  So we had to resort to writing snail mail, which I will give him credit for
      doing a few times, but it was hard for us to keep that up.  But now he'll be back
      online.  He never believed in "chatting" before and I'm trying to convince him to
      download either ICQ or another form of chat so that we can talk and receive
      instant gratification from our conversation instead of the time it takes to send
      and receive email.  Wow, I just realized how truly impatient I have become.  Even
      email isn't fast enough for me anymore.  But I don't know how much luck I will
      have getting Dennis to be as impatient as I.  I suppose I'll be reduced to
      begging.  Hmmmm, that's okay.

      And then I was thinking about Rob who I used to chat with but now only send
      email back and forth with once in a while.  I miss the long conversations we used
      to have about emotional stuff.  When I get really sad about stuff and I'm online,
      sometimes I wish he was still around so I could cry on his virtual shoulder.  =o)

      Hey, I was actually chatting with a woman the other day!  Women never chat with
      me for some reason.  It's very rare that I chat with women.  But she was so cool
      and we had so much in common.  We had a really nice conversation.

      Eww man, I have to go grocery shopping tonight before I pick Manda up from
      work.  I'm not happy about this.  I'm getting SO tired of trying to think of meals
      to cook.  I'm tired of cooking too.  I've been so bad about it lately that I haven't
      been making lists for shopping and that is definitely a bad thing.  HB is trying to
      get the girls to start cooking more.

      Hahahahaha... that reminds me... the last time Manda tried to cook I was in the
      living room and she was in the kitchen (obviously) cooking stuffing.  Just the
      normal, easy, stove top stuffing.  And I hear her say, "How in the world is that
      going to be enough water?  I can't even see it when it starts boiling."  So, being
      me, I of course get up and look to see what's happening.  I look in the pan and she
      has the water, big globs of butter, and the stuffing crumbs all put in the pan at
      the same time.  I laughed my head off and asked her if she read the directions.
      She insisted she had!  I insisted that she must be blind then!  You're supposed to
      boil the water, butter and seasoning first, then remove it from the stove and mix
      the bread crumbs in.  That was too funny!

      Well, I'm going shopping for now... maybe I'll write more later!

Hey, I'm back from grocery shopping!  And after all that it was way too late for
      me to cook anything so I sent Kara and AJ to get some pizza.  I'll talk about AJ
      in a minute...

      You know, I fall in love with Wal-Mart more and more every day.  It feels like
      home.  I suppose that's a good thing.  At least if I hate shopping I can hate it in a
      place I love.  Hmmm, makes no sense I know, but then again, when do I ever make
      sense?!  Anyways, I got all kinds of groceries and it only came to $78.  I was
      expecting over $100, which is what it would have been had I got them at
      Shop-n-Save.  But I can't say anything bad about Shop-n-Save because I love
      that store too.  I know that store like the back of my hand and can make my
      grocery list in order of the store.  Now that is a strong shopper/store
      relationship.

      Okay so let me tell you about Kara and AJ.  She met AJ on AOL Instant
      Messenger.  She said when he sent the first message that she wasn't even going
      to respond, but something made her respond.  So they chatted for a couple
      weeks I think and then decided to meet, in our presence of course.  (He only lives
      in the next town over.)  He's a very sweet person, very responsible, and we
      totally trust him.  Kara is 17 and AJ is 19.  At these ages it's hard to tell how long
      a relationship will last.  But I'm going to be praying for them.  They are building
      their relationship around God; they even go to the church and pray together.  I
      can not express how special that is to be able to share the same beliefs and
      include God in your love relationship.  It makes all the difference in the world.

      Well, gotta go!  Good night!
 

October 24, 1999 - Sunday Evening

Today was a really nice day.  The weather was perfect, we watched some movies, I made a
nice dinner, then we spent some time outside taking pictures.  HB climbed a tree.  He climbs
like a monkey, even at 29!

Strawberry milk is good.

My new pocketbook is good too.

I have pretty much very little to say tonight.  Yet I want to write.  Weird.

I'm the best meatloaf maker in the whole world.

I have non-poodle hair now.

Oh gosh.  The other day I was watching Caitlin while Rhonda took the other kids to visit a
friend of hers.  So it was just Caitlin and I.  She woke up from her nap and wanted me to hold
her, so we sat in the rocking chair, cuddling and listening to Alison Krauss together.  I just
started crying because I love this little girl so much.  It scares me to think that I may never
have my own child to love like that.  But what is strange is I can't imagine loving any other
child as much as her.  But I'm leaving all of that in God's hands.  If He wants me to be a mom
He'll make it happen some day.

Well, I'm really struggling to think of things to write... that means I should quit while I'm
ahead!

Goodnight!
 

October 26, 1999 - Tuesday Night

Last night HB was complaining for 2 or 3 hours about the content on tv.  He stated several
times that he is almost ready to give up on cable.  Ummm... no.  Ain't gonna happen.  Three
reasons why:

#1  Tom Green Show
#2  Buffy
#3  Dawson's Creek

Ummm, forget it pal.  And have our entertainment reduced to watching you tie your
sweatshirt around your forehead, pretending that the vacuum hose is a machine gun?  No.

Aww last night we got some pictures back that we just had developed and there were some
pictures of Moses.  =o(   We somewhat missed him when we saw the pictures.  They were
taken on one of his good days and he was so cute.  But we made the right decision.

Today was a bit stressful at work.  Something happened with the furnace backing up and the
whole office was filled with awful fumes.  We wanted to throw up it was so thick.  So we had
to open the windows and doors which of course made us cold.  Our fingers were numb and we
were completely uncomfortable.  I hope it's better tomorrow!

There is a ladybug crawling on my desk right now.  Go away ladybug.  Don't make me squish
you.  Ladybugs make crunching noises when you squish them.  Gross.

Some guy, a customer, calls up today and needed someone to call him back.  So I asked him
his name and number and then he said, "Now can I have YOUR number?"  And then he
chuckled.  What is up with that lately?  I sincerely am pleasant and nice on the phone but I
certainly don't flirt with the customers.  I'm starting to get a complex.  Everyone thinks I'm
naughty.  I admit I joke around and stuff but come on... I'm the same innocent girl I've
always been.  I'm clinging to my halo as I speak!  =oÞ

We got sad news today.  HB called me at work and told me that the pastor who married us
died of a heart attack today.  He was very ill even though he wasn't that old.  I don't think
it's totally hit me yet.  I know alot of couples probably don't even remember the minister
that married them but Pastor Dick was different because he was the pastor of my church
for several years and played an important role in my life during that time.  When he stepped
down as our pastor it was a very hard thing to go through for our church but we pulled
through it.  We missed him terribly.  And even when the new pastor came it was hard for me
to completely accept him because Pastor Dick was so important to me.

Pastor Dick was so cool.  I remember being so anxious to go to church because I loved to
listen to his voice and the stories he told.  I somewhat idolized him which I know isn't right
but he was a very charismatic person and it was hard not to.  I really want to go to his funeral
but I hate crying in public or in front of anyone for that matter.  But it's important for me to
say goodbye to him.
 

October 27, 1999 - Wednesday Evening

        Cat Fight!!!  Kara and Amanda are arguing.  And they are driving me crazy.
        Amanda was sleeping and minding her own business when Kara and AJ came
        home and started to harass her.  But it really all began (AJ just stated that
        he didn't do anything) this morning when Kara was sleeping and Amanda and
        HB were harassing her.  But now they are asking Amanda to forgive them.
        Ooh Amanda called her a diseased hemorrhoid.  That's not a good thing.  Could
        someone please come and rescue me?

        Hey, guess what I just found?!  A ladybug... and she has dust all over her.
        She's even alive.  She's been here way too long.  Funny huh?  I told you my
        house was dusty.

        Okay the smell of fumes in our office was gone today.  I guess they finally
        fixed the furnace.  Which is a good thing because we were actually warm
        today.  It's good to be warm.  But it was completely busy and the phone
        wouldn't stop ringing.  Except when one of our co-workers would walk into the
        room.  The phones would be dead the whoever had just walked in would say,
        "Wow, it's quiet in here today."  OH YEAH?!  Then why don't you sit down and
        answer the phones and see how quiet it is.  That is the one phrase that drives
        Jen, Kathy and I crazy... "Wow, it's quiet in here today."

        Oh man... HB just came home and squished the dusty ladybug.  Right now he
        has AJ's fireman's coat on and is pretending the hose from the vacuum is a
        water hose and he's fighting a fire.  I wonder what else he can pretend the
        vacuum hose is.  Oh, he just found something else to use it for.  An elephants
        trunk... he's blowing sounds through it and everything.   This man is truly
        weird.

        Oh man, he also has AJ's fire helmet on and there is a flashlight attached to
        it.  Now he just turned on the flashlight, pointed it at Kara, and said (through
        the vacuum hose) "Ladies and Gentlemen... announcing..."  And I didn't hear
        anything after that because we were all laughing too hard.

        The house is out of control now.  The HOSE is out of control too.

        I think I need to go to bed soon.  It's 12:50 am.  Ewww.
 

October 28, 1999 - Thursday Evening

I'm not trying to be morbid or anything just because I went to a funeral.  I wanted to make a
cross with stained glass around it and this is the best I could come up with.  It's kinda cool
actually - different but cool.

So we went to Pastor Dick's funeral today.  I held my composure.  Actually I was a bit
removed from the service because HB had to run the sound so I sat up in the balcony with
him.  That was a good move.  Otherwise I would have lost it.  The casket was closed.  I guess
I didn't realize that they close the casket during the funeral most of the time now.  But the
casket is open during visiting hours.  I wish I had gone because I would have liked to have
seen him.  After the service was over and everyone was leaving the church I wanted to just
run down there and stand next to the casket and cry.  I didn't of course.

The hardest part about the whole thing was that his casket was laying across the alter at the
bottom of the stage.  The same stage he gave all his sermons at, the same stage he married
HB and I at, the same alter where he knelt down next to me to pray with me.  He had been so
alive.

I was mad at myself because before we left for the funeral I was complaining about what I
was going to wear.  Stupid petty stuff and I said, "I hate my life!" just because I couldn't
decide what to wear and there I was, getting ready to go to a funeral.  Not only was that
stupid, but also untrue.  I LOVE my life.  There are so many good things in my life and I have
so much to be thankful for.  So after I said that I quickly scolded myself and apologized
silently to God.

Pastor Dick's funeral was sad but going to a funeral where most of the attendees are
christians is alot different.  Our whole religion is based on going to Heaven when you die and
someday when we go to Heaven we will see our loved ones again.  I suppose that's why it isn't
quite as sad as a funeral where the people have no faith and no hope that they will see their
loved one again.  Death must be so final to someone who doesn't have that hope.

Well... let me talk about some other things.  I don't want the whole entry to be about the
funeral.

Oh but I do have one other thought related to today.  I am so so soooooo bad in social
situations.  I haven't always been like this.  I used to be really outgoing at church functions.  I
have been going to the same church for over 10 years, you'd think I'd feel comfortable by
now.  I changed though when HB and I got married.  Now I always find myself walking behind
him, standing behind him, when we talk to other people or couples I let him do all the talking,
I follow him around instead of starting my own conversations with other people.  I hate
socializing at church.  That's awful for me to say but it's the truth.  I just feel
uncomfortable.  And I feel sad that these people have known me for over 10 years and yet
they still don't know me at all.  I'm not queer around them.  I'm very shy and reserved.  I
wish that would change.

Oh, hey... I got new berry flavored Tums!  They smell like Kool-Aid.  Yum!  I can't wait to
have heart burn again!  Hehehehe!

Okay, so we're sitting here tonight watching tv and all of the sudden we hear all these loud
bangs from outside.  It sounded like gunshots.  I open the door and off in the distance I see
fireworks over the tree tops.  HEY!  This isn't the Fourth of July people.  Quiet down!  Shut
those things off!!!

Amanda and I were in the car tonight driving home and we were being queer as usual.  This
time it was her being queer.  She was making these horrible sounds and saying things like,
"Hey, I'm a cow dying..." and then she'd make the awful sound.  Well, she kept saying
different things like, "Hey, I'm a cat dying..." or "Hey, I'm a dog dying..." and she would make
the same awful sound for each thing.  Then she goes, "Hey, I'm a snowman dying..."  And I
waited... and waited... and didn't hear anything.  DUH!  (Or as I would say, "Der da der der!")
Then I finally got it and burst out laughing.  I'm completely dense sometimes, but it was so
funny!  You had to be there I suppose!

Well, I need some sleep people!  Nite!
 

October 30, 1999 - Saturday Night

           Hey... I made more stained glass.  This one is brighter and
           prettier!  I like it!

           I was itchy yesterday.  I think I'm addicted to my medication.
           Okay, let me explain the situation... I take Zyrtec which is an
           allergy medication.  Let me start from the beginning...

           One day while I was at work, my previous job, not my current one,
           I had taken some aspirin.  I think it was more like non-aspirin,
           one of those pain relievers anyways.  A few hours go by and I'm
           at my desk and all of the sudden my throat starts getting really
           itchy and I begin to have trouble swallowing.  I couldn't swallow
           my own saliva but if I took a sip of water I could force it down.
           Well, I started to panic because I just felt really weird.  So I
           went down to the front desk and told them something was wrong
           and that I thought I needed an ambulance.  The ambulance came
           and because I was so embarrassed I refused to get on the bed on
           wheels thing (I forget what you call it but you know what I'm
           talking about.)  I wanted to walk onto the ambulance so they let
           me.  I also refused to lay down because of my swallowing thing I
           wanted to sit up and keep taking sips of water to assure myself I
           could still swallow.  They let me do that also.  But they insisted I
           put a seat belt on.  That was fine.  Another weird thing that was
           going on was that my voice became horse and no matter how much
           I cleared it it wouldn't come back.

           I remember sitting in one of the emergency rooms at the hospital
           and they had called my mother and when I saw her I started
           crying.  I had been fairly calm until that point.  I guess as soon
           as I saw my mom I became her baby and it was okay for me to
           be scared now that she was there.  They checked everything and
           couldn't figure out what the problem was.  But they treated me
           for an allergic reaction, only giving me Benadryl as I seemed to be
           breathing and swallowing okay.  That was the single most
           frightening thing I have ever been through.  They told me to take
           Benadryl for a couple days and see my doctor.

           So I went to see an Allergist and he didn't seem to think I was
           allergic to anything but that the aspirin might have caused that
           type of reaction since my immune system seemed to be a little
           weak.  I didn't really understand this explanation and I actually
           started crying in his office.  I was so scared that it was going to
           happen again and happen worse, that I was having trouble
           sleeping, being alone, or even functioning normally.  So he put me
           on Zyrtec which was for allergies and also gave me an epinephrine
           pen (a shot you self inject when having an allergic reaction) but
           told me that he thought I would be fine and that I was probably
           just experiencing some anxiety caused by the trauma I had just
           been through.

           And over the next several months I had to live with this anxiety.
           I think I mentioned this briefly before, but I stopped doing
           anything alone, stopped driving alone, stopped grocery shopping
           alone.  If I had to go to the grocery store I'd get inside, put a
           few things in my cart, and then all of the sudden start having
           trouble breathing and would become very dizzy.  Now I was
           experiencing actual panic/anxiety attacks.  Well, like I said, that
           happened for several months, maybe even a year.  I even went to
           see a counselor for a couple months because of it.

           Well, eventually most of the anxiety went away.  I still experience
           it from time to time but not as bad.  But I still take Zyrtec and
           still carry around an epi-pen.  I've tried several times to stop
           taking the Zyrtec but every time I go more than 3 days without it
           I start feeling really itchy and that causes me to panic.  I don't
           know if the itchiness is in my head or just a side effect of NOT
           taking the medication.  This really bothers me because I feel in a
           way that I am dependent on it, not physically but emotionally.  I
           feel afraid when I stop taking it.

           Oh well... there's my long story for the day.  Are you feeling like
           you know more about me than you ever wanted to?  Hehehehe...
           good!

           So... it's Halloween Eve.  I tried to make the girls feel bad for
           me so they'd stay home and keep me company.  I hate being alone
           on this day.  I know everyone makes Halloween out to be this fun
           holiday with candy and dressing up and for most people it is
           exactly that.  And for most people it's perfectly harmless.  But
           for some people this is the day they celebrate their occult-ish
           religion.  I'm ultra sensitive to things like that.  For example, I
           have been wanting to watch the "Blair Witch Project" but because
           I know myself I'm too afraid to.  I know that it will stay with me
           and haunt my mind so I just can't bring myself to give in and
           watch it.  I know most people would think I'm being melodramatic
           but oh well.  That's how I feel.  I'll let you feel however you
           want to.

           So here I am, hanging out at home, no one to talk to, just me and
           Keisha.  =o(  Don't you feel bad for me?  Come on, admit it, you
           know you do!  =oÞ

           While I was driving home from grocery shopping earlier this
           evening I saw a spider crawling towards me on the dash.  Spiders
           don't bother me.  Spiders who insist on crawling TOWARDS me do
           in fact bother me.  I said to him, "Now hold it right there dude,
           come any closer and I'll have to squish you."  He listened.  See?
           Spiders are our friends.

           Kay... I'm leaving now.  Nite!
 

October 31, 1999 - Sunday Night

So after receiving a *UDL* (Uncle Dwayne Lecture) about it not being respectful to be
drawing pictures during the sermon at church, Amanda informed me this morning that she
was going to behave and take notes instead.  This is an excerpt from her notes:

1.)  Pray for kids
2.)  Never hand out your pen
3.)  During prayer, a guy picked his nose 10:07 am
4.)  The tall lady is pretty (needs new hair style)

This child is naughty.

However, I made a huge mistake in church today as well.  I wanted a lifesaver and if you've
been to church you know that it is only polite to ask anyone who is sitting in your row with you
if they want one also - at least everyone that you know.  So there I was, with HB and HB's
brother Nathan on my left, and Manda, Kara, and AJ on my right.  Everyone wanted a
lifesaver except HB.  Well, it would have been fine had the lifesavers been in a roll but they
weren't, they were individually wrapped.  Do you realize how LOUD it becomes when 5 people
are struggling to open 5 candy wrappers?  And 2 out of the 5 of us were having a very
difficult time getting the candy out of the wrapper.  HB gave me that *UDL* look and I
started giggling.  I'm glad my giggling didn't get out of control.  It's a good thing Shari
wasn't there or I may very well have lost it.

The music was very loud and intense today.  We have very good music at our church with
drums and a bass and a couple guitars and the piano and a keyboard and a flute (HB plays the
flute) and a good sound system.  In other words, our church rocks.  But sometimes the music
can be so intense that I feel dizzy and my breathing becomes shallow.  I don't know why that
is.  Maybe the intensness causes anxiety in me.  And the stupidest thing is that I have trouble
singing.  Normally I can sing at the top of my lungs if I'm at home or in my car.  I can sing
until the cows come home.  But at church I have a hard time.  It could be that Satan just
doesn't want me praising God.  That would be just like Satan to be like that.  So being the
jerk that he is, he makes it hard for me.  So when I start feeling like that I ask God to take
it away and give me the strength to stay in my seat and not panic and walk out.  After all, that
is exactly what Satan is hoping I'll do.  Oh well.  Too bad so sad Satan.  You lose.

Being a christian rules!

Can you tell I spend alot of time with 17 year olds?  =o)

Last night I was invaded by teenagers.  Manda showed up with her friend Amber.  They had
rented a movie for us to watch.  Then Kara and AJ showed up (ooh speak of the devils - they
just came home) so I was hanging out with 4 teenagers.  We had fun though.

Well, I have to go early tonight.  Gotta watch movies with HB!  Sweet Dreams!