July 5, 1999 - Monday Afternoon

Don't you hate it when you want things you can't have?  When you dream dreams you know
won't come true?  When the things that make you happy are the same things that cause you
pain?  When you do things you know you shouldn't?  When you don't do things you know you
should?  When your dog throws up on the carpet?  Sorry, just had to add that...

But seriously, sometimes I look at my life and think "what a mess".  It's really not that bad
but it could be so much better.  Like my music for instance.  I know I will never pursue it.
There are all kinds of people out there with dreams of becoming a musician and they go after
what they want and alot of them get it.  I envy that.  I know that anyone can set a goal and
attain it if they want it bad enough.  So is that my problem?  Maybe I just don't want things
bad enough?  Maybe I'm too comfortable and content with the way things are right now?
Maybe I'm afraid to fail?  I have no idea why I am the way I am, but I do drive myself crazy!

I remember being 16 years old and sitting in front of my window on a summer night, staring
at the moon, smelling the warm air... you know the scent, the heady, humid fragrance of a
summer night.  I would shut off all the lights and stare at that moon and dream of all the
things I could become.  Every night was a different dream.  Some were realistic, some were
not.  But there was so much passion in every dream, so much yearning that my heart actually
hurt inside at times.

I still feel that way about things.  I still passionately dream about my future.  The only
difference is that back then I believed my dreams would come true, now I know I will never
make them come true.  And that realization is so final.  I have already failed by not trying.

Wow, such happy thoughts huh?

Actually a couple of hours ago I was in a great mood!  Dwayne and I  had a great weekend
together!  I am so happy when he's home, and we get along so much better.
 

July 6, 1999 - Tuesday Evening

I came home early from work today.  I was feeling really dizzy, even just sitting.  I thought
for sure I was going to pass out.  I think I need my eyes checked.  They are really bothering
me.  I hope that's all it is.  I came home and slept for a while and then I was fine, although I
have felt nervous all day.  Not nervous about anything in particular, just jittery.

But this morning while I was at work the Fed-Ex guy came!  I asked him where the heck he
has been and told him I was about to call Fed-Ex and demand our Fed-Ex guy back.  So
Jennifer and I were wondering what his name is and trying to guess it.  We both think it could
be Eric or Rob.  He looks like an Eric or Rob.  But he also looks like a Jeff.  I'm really curious
to know now what his name is.  We're going to ask him the next time he comes.

Our electricity went out around 5:30 pm and didn't come back on until late.  I was not happy
at all.  I organized all the millions of photos I have taken in the last couple of months, put
them all in order, put them in my photo albums, called everyone I could think of, (Shari, your
phone was busy!) transferred all my junk to a new pocket book which is way cool, went to
Wal-Mart to buy new hand towels and dish towels, hung out in the men's underwear section...
I am looking for this particular kind for Dwayne that I know he'll love.  It's a good thing he
doesn't read this, he would be totally and completely embarrassed if he knew I was talking
about underwear for him.  Oh, and I sat on my couch singing every song I could think of about
3 times through.  My poor neighbors!  They must know all my songs by heart now!  hehehehe

And I DIDN'T get to watch "Real World" tonight, and that really upset me!  But they'll show
it again between now and next week!  Whew!
 

July 7, 1999 - Wednesday Evening

Okay, we were a bit wild today at work!  I don't know how we got on the subject.  I was
being totally innocent trying to give Little Buck some suggestions on a new hair style when
suddenly Steven and Jennifer started talking about the hair on Steven's chest.  The next
thing I know he's coming over to me and grabbing my hand and trying to put it up his shirt.
See, he tries very hard to embarrass me, and he often succeeds.   But he was worse with
Jennifer.  It was actually really funny, he went up behind her and tried to pull his shirt over
her head.  I LOVE my job.  Have I said that lately?  We have an enormous amount of fun.
More than we should sometimes...  =oÞ

So then Jennifer and I got into this whole serious conversation about underwear.  We think
the Fed-Ex guy is the briefs type.  =o)  And you men thought we discussed things like
personalities!?!  But to be honest... I am the innocent one!  These people are trying to corrupt
me!  HELP!

So today something happened, I forgot what, and Jennifer says, "I think your halo is on too
tight, it's affecting your brain."  Or something to that effect.  See, even Jennifer admits I
have one!  =oÞ  hehehehehe

Oh man.  I keep trying to explain to Dwayne that if he puts the fan in the window it sucks up
all these little tiny bugs.  He says he never feels them.  I guess they just like to bite me.  So
now there are a million little bugs in here flying all around, and trying desperately to bite me.
Why do bugs love me so much?  I would like to know that.

Dwayne is experimenting with a chicken right now.  He always tries to cook with different
spices and sauces.  Once in a while it's edible.  Tonight he is trying to cook it with hot
peppers.  This will be one of those experiments that I will have to pass on.  Oh boy.  I'm
trying very hard not to roll my eyes.

Oops... pager just went off... it's the in-laws... better go!

Nite!
 

July 8, 1999 - Thursday Evening

The Fed-Ex guy came in today.  As soon as he walked in I remembered that I needed to ask
him his name.  And before I even asked him he said, "I'm not telling you my name".  He knew
what we were going to ask.  But he was just kidding and told us his first name is Brian.
Hmmmmm, not what I thought.  But now that I know he does kind of look like a Brian.  I guess
he has to now, seeings how that is his name and everything.  I don't think his mother would
appreciate me trying to change it now.  Nor his wife.  Oh well.  Brian it is.  =o)

So Dwayne has been pretty good about not losing any of my socks, however he has not been
using fabric softener like he is supposed to.  Jennifer and I were talking about fabric
softener today.  We both use Downy Balls and always go past the fill line because we like
Downy so much.  If one day, all of the sudden, our clothes fall apart and off us you'll know
it's because of all that Downy disintegrating the threads in our clothes.  Let's begin praying
right now that that never happens.  hehehehe

Well, I can't stay to chat tonight!  Hubby is bugging me to go to sleep now!  Nite nite!
 

July 9, 1999 - Friday Evening

Hmmm... I have alot on my mind right now but for some reason I can't think straight to write.

Well, I finally took down the white Christmas lights we had hung up around the living room.  I
wasn't very happy about this because it was Dwayne's job to do that.  Or at least I had
asked him to do it.  This is what frustrates me so much sometimes in our relationship, I ask
him to do something (okay, sometimes I nag him to do something), he takes forever getting it
done and I just end up giving in and doing it instead.  I know I'm not helpless and can do
things on my own but it's just the fact that when I ask him he says yes he'll do it and then
procrastinates about getting it done until I do it.  Oh well, I guess I can't complain too much.
I procrastinate too sometimes.

I finally got another letter from my friend in CA.  I love getting letters from him because he
always has interesting stories to tell me.  I met him online a few months ago and we chatted
back and forth for a while but then he got offline so I have to wait for snail mail from him.
I'm actually very surprised he still writes to me especially since he has to write out letters
with a pen and paper and stamp it and mail it and everything.  Men usually are very bad about
sending letters.  Sorry for the generalization.  I shouldn't generalize.  In my experience,
most of the men I know are bad about sending letters.  But he's a good letter writer!

Oh, Dwayne gave Keisha a fur cut.  Now she looks like me when Dwayne cut MY hair!  Actually
she looks worse.  Frankie was right, Dwayne should go to work for the Army cutting hair.  But
Keisha doesn't know any better.  If you say to her, "Keisha, you look so ugly!" in a high
pitched, happy voice she gets all excited and wags her tail.  She's totally clueless, but then
again she's a dog.  She doesn't have to have a clue.

I'm soooooooo excited that tomorrow is Saturday and we get to sleep in!!  It makes me happy
because then I get quality cuddling time.  We don't have to get up for work and rush off so
it's nice.  Well, that and I really do enjoy sleeping.  I know that sounds like a very lazy
comment but I really don't spend alot of time sleeping.  I hardly ever go to bed before 1 am
and I have to get up the next morning for work so when I can sleep in, I do!

I also like sleeping because I love dreaming.  I don't like nightmares, but dreams are cool!
I've had some weird dreams.  A couple of weeks ago I had a dream that I was having some
kind of medical tests done to me.  It was sort of like they were taking x-rays of my body.
When they got to my head though they told me it was very important that I keep my mouth
closed because opening it would be harmful.  The doctor was so afraid of me opening my
mouth involuntarily that he told me he wanted to sew my lips closed and proceeded to explain
how he would go about doing that.  I was totally out of there when he started talking about
that, and then I woke up.  Weird dream... I wonder if it meant anything.

Mmm, I love listening to music.  The Backstreet Boys are on tv doing some concert.  I know
I'm a grown woman, not a teenager anymore.  But I really enjoy listening to them.  I like any
group that has alot of harmony in their songs.  And I love slow love songs.  Wow, I am entirely
too mushy sometimes!
 

July 10, 1999 - Saturday Early Morning

I've been reading alot of online journals.  I really enjoy hearing about other people's lives
and knowing what makes them tick.  I recently read one and sent the author an email just
letting her know that I identified with alot of what she wrote about and was going through.
(Out of respect for her I will not say who she is or where her site is.)  And I might have
gotten a little preachy when talking about my Christianity with her; definitely not meaning to
offend her.  But I guess alot of people have been emailing her and voicing their opinion about
their religion vs. her religion so she wrote about it in her journal.  To be honest it kind of hurt
my feelings, although I hate that I am sensitive like that.  I just didn't want to be included
with the group of people who badger other people about their beliefs.  I don't want to be
that person.  I want to care about people and respect people.

But another thing that bothers me is that I wrote about alot more than just God.  That was
only a small part of my email.  I wrote about the things we had in common and stuff.  I was
just trying to be nice.

That's what I hate about the internet sometimes.  People you meet online are exactly that;
people you meet online.  Sometimes I don't think people stop to think that every single
person that is on the internet is a real person, not a cyber person.  And sometimes because
these people are not "real" to us we may tend to overlook that they have feelings.

Oh well, like I said before, I guess I'm just too sensitive.  But every time something like that
happens it makes me regret that I tried to reach out in the first place and now maybe I
won't be so quick to do it again.  And I know that some people would say that I shouldn't let
what anyone else says or does affect the way I relate to people, but it does.  I'm weak in
that way.  It matters to me how people view me and what they think of me.  It always has and
always will.

But I have also had some very positive experiences with people online.  Like I met this one
friend two months ago.  He's a really special person and he's alot of fun to talk with.
Sometimes when I meet people like that I wish I had met them in real life instead of online
because they could be really cool friends!  Which makes me wonder why I don't have more
friends "in real life" as opposed to "online" friends.  It can't be because they all live
anywhere but here.  It must be because I don't reach out as well in person as I do online.

Okay, there are two solutions to this problem:  1) Meet more people around me, or 2) All my
online friends must move to NH immediately.  Hmmm, somehow I think #1 would be more
realistic... what do you think?

It's strange that I am suddenly obsessed with meeting people.  I am normally very content
with being alone and enjoying my own company.  Oh well, I guess people change, or at least go
through stages in life.  This must be one of my stages.

Hmmm, well, for now that's it... I'll write more later today, after I go get some sleep!!!
 

Same Day - Evening

I remember once when I was 5 years old my parents were having an argument about the
vacuum cleaner.  For some reason it wasn't working right and they were trying to fix it
together.  And I could be wrong but I think there were a few of us kids sitting on the couch
watching them argue.  I got so upset that my Dad yelled at my Mom that I ran into my
bedroom crying.  All four of us girls shared that bedroom and I had to sleep with my older
sister, Debbie, because there were only 3 beds in our room.  Anyways I was laying on the bed
and one of my sisters, I don't remember which, came in and told me it was okay that Mom
and Dad were just arguing and it wasn't a big deal.  Then my Mom came in and told me the
same thing.  That they were just arguing and they wouldn't stay mad at eachother.  I still
wasn't satisfied with that.  Finally my Dad came in and instead of telling me it was okay that
they were arguing he apologized for yelling at my Mom in front of me.

I don't know why I was thinking about that.  I guess I was just thinking about my
relationships with my family members.  My father was very strict with my siblings, but I
don't remember ever getting punished by him.  There may have been a couple times growing
up that he raised his voice to me but other than that I never remember being punished.  I
don't believe I was spanked even once.  Not by him or my Mom.  Weird.  They were either
very tired after the first six kids or I was a very well behaved child!

I actually have alot of memories about my life when I was at that age.  Like between age 4
and 6.  I always believed that I had a bad childhood.  But the more I hear about other
people's horror stories growing up the more I realize mine wasn't so bad after all!
 

July 11, 1999 - Sunday Evening

I'm sitting here trying to think of what I feel like talking about tonight.  What I feel like
talking about and what I will allow myself to talk about are two different things.  I find
myself being very shallow here most of the time.  Not shallow in the way that most people use
that term, because I am definitely not a shallow person.  But shallow in the sense that there
is so much more I could share.  I could be more open.  I know there are many times I allow
my emotions to show here, yet there are certain ones I never talk about.  Certain fears or
secrets or hurts or failures or even dreams and passions.  I do censor myself and I always
will, but I would like to be more open.

Ooh a commercial!!!  Right now Dwayne is watching tv and every time there is a commercial he
comes over to brush my hair...  I wish commercial breaks were longer!  =o)

We spent the day today with my best friend and her husband.  We had a cook out with their
brand new grill.  Tim was the master chef.  =o)  It's so funny how men have such a strong
desire to take control of the cooking when it comes to grilling.  They are very content to
refrain from cooking otherwise.  Hmmm...

Anyways, Shari and I talked alot about many things.  Every time the guys came into the room
we stopped talking.  Not on purpose; we just can't do the "girl talk" thing with men present.
They are very good about it though and don't seem to mind when we admit to having been
talking about them.  Maybe if they giggled more we would let them into the inner sanctum of
our conversations.  That's all it really takes.  We LOVE to giggle!  (Where is the giggler when
we need him?! *wink*)

You know, the thought occured to me, after reading alot of online journals and doing some
surfing, that I have never talked about my weight in my own journal.  I'm not sure why that
is, since it is part of my life on a daily basis.  I am overweight and there is no possibility of
pretending otherwise.  Being overweight isn't an issue you can come "out of the closet" with,
since you can't really hide it in the closet to begin with.  Although it is very easy to pretend to
be someone you're not on the internet, which is something I don't want to do.  And I guess
that is the reason I am addressing that issue right now.  It's a part of my life, it's a
vulnerability, it's a fear, it's a struggle, it's a reality, it's many things.  I suppose the only
reason I bring it up is to make myself more real to someone reading who may not know me
very well.  I suppose I want to be real to myself too.  So there you have it, another layer of
me uncovered.  Stick around, there are more layers where that came from.  =oÞ
 

July 13, 1999 - Tuesday Evening

So I'm talking to Dwayne today and he says, "You might want to go to the bathroom before
you leave work."  This can not be a good sign.  Husbands don't say things like that unless they
have torn apart your bathroom, cut a big hole in the floor, removed the toilet, and run out of
time to finish the project.  Oh wait, that wasn't how he started the conversation.  He started
it by saying, "Okay, you're going to be kinda happy and kinda upset..."  The "kinda happy" thing
didn't happen.  It was more like "kinda upset and kinda upset".  It is now 9:37 pm and I'm
praying my bladder cooperates tonight.  So far so good.  But would someone please help me?
Because this man is DRIVING ME CRAZZZZZYYYYY!!!!

I'm so frustrated with the way things are right now.  I know the above sounds pretty funny
and I even laugh if I read it.  I have to, otherwise I'll cry, because these are the kinds of
things that always happen to me and I'm just plain tired.  I'm tired of that stupid bathroom,
I'm tired of all wood walls, I'm tired of not having enough sunlight, I'm tired of no storage
space, I'm tired of these DARN bugs, I'm tired of my closet sized kitchen, I'm tired of my
bedroom floor being crooked, I'm tired of the UNBELIEVABLE amount of dust in here, I'm
tired of having only one vehicle, I'm tired of being alone all the time...

And I'm tired of being tired and dizzy all the time.  I have been having alot of dizzy spells
but it mostly only happens when I'm at work.  Even when I'm sitting I'm dizzy.  Sometimes
it's so bad I feel like I'm going to pass out.  NO, I'm not pregnant.  That is always the first
thing people say.

**INCOMING LAYER REMOVAL**
Remember the other day when I was talking about wanting to be more open and I shared
something about myself and said there were more layers where that came from?  Well here
is another one...  I think it is impossible for me to get pregnant.  I have never pursued this
issue with the doctors because it hasn't seemed absolutely crucial to me yet.  But I haven't
used any method of birth control for about 6 years now and in all those years have never
gotten pregnant; so... no, I'm not pregnant.  I don't believe that will ever happen for me.
Sometimes it makes me sad, most of the time I'm fine with it.  And I suppose if I ever
become sad enough about it I can go to the doctor and find out why the heck I'm broken!
=o)

But for now I have other things to worry about.  Like the bathroom, wood walls, lack of sun,
lack of storage, bugs, small kitchen, crooked floor, dust; all mentioned previously.  And on
top of that my fish tank motor buzzes too loudly.  It's bothering me.

Sometimes when I go through stuggles like this I miss being young and living at home.  Of
course that time period had it's own struggles, but at least back then I didn't have to "fix"
anything.  The responsibility wasn't on my shoulders.  And all it took was a hug from my Mom
for me to feel like things would eventually be okay.  Or if I was really struggling with
something, a prayer with my Dad.

I mean, normally I am a very happy person, very grateful for everything that I have.  I'm
blessed in alot of ways.  But there are times when the stress of everything grows very heavy
on my shoulders and I can't carry it anymore.  This is one of those times.  And I feel like that
little girl I used to be, who needed a hug and a prayer.
 

July 14, 1999 - Wednesday Evening

Well, the toilet is partially fixed.  Dwayne worked on it today and we can use it, but you have
to flush, wait for the tank to fill up, and then shut the water off because it leaks
somewhere.  I guess he'll fix that tomorrow.  I guess he does know what he's doing at
times.   =o)   But shhhh, don't tell him I admitted that.

We rented the movie "Patch Adams" the other night and it was such a good movie.  I really
liked it alot.  It was sad in some parts but really funny in others.  My niece and I went to see
"Big Daddy" over this past weekend.  That was a good one too.  But I just can not believe the
prices of drinks and popcorn in the theater.  What a rip-off!

Ha!  That reminds me of one time when my friend and I were in church.  Normally we sing alot
of songs in the beginning of the service and that is one of her favorite parts of church - the
singing.  But there was this one day when there was alot to fit into the service and so they cut
some of the singing out.  It was so funny because I look over at Shari and KNEW she was
going to be upset and she had this disappointed look on her face and whispers, "What a
rip-off!"  I couldn't hear her but I read her lips and I started that
'not-supposed-to-be-laughing-in-church' giggle.  The silent one where your body vibrates
from the sheer (or is it shear?) force of your laughter.  We have had a few times like that in
church.  But you would have had to have been there to fully appreciate the humor.  Shari and I
are very dangerous when we start laughing.

My neighbor, his name is Dick, has turkeys and chickens now.  He has 2 turkeys and maybe 6
or so chickens.  He had the chickens out of their cage the other day and they were so funny!
I went near them and they came right up to me.  Well, within a few feet, I didn't want them
to peck me or anything.  They were very cute and I believe I will have to inform Dick that he
is not allowed to kill and eat them.  But guess what I had for dinner that night?  Yup, chicken.
Cause chicken is my very favorite thing but only if it comes from Shop-N-Save all clean,
boneless, and packaged up.  I would never be able to eat fresh meat.  I mean poultry.  Well,
poultry or meat... but you get the idea.  Heck, I can't even eat fresh eggs.  Hey, have you
ever heard that song, it's from a commercial, "Brown eggs are local eggs and local eggs are
fresh."  Well, to some people the white ones are the fresh ones.  I wonder if they sing
"White eggs are local eggs and local eggs are fresh."

That was my totally unimportant thought for the day.

I'm in a much better mood today.  =o)
 

July 15, 1999 - Thursday Evening

The Fed-Ex guy (A.K.A. Brian) came today while I was out of the office for an hour.  I knew
he was going to be coming so I told Little Buck to give him a kiss for me.  Hahahahaha!  He
told Buck to tell me that he had his short shorts on today, the tight ones, and I missed it!  He
really didn't, he just likes to joke around.  He is so funny and I can't believe Jennifer missed
him!

Jennifer is on vacation this week.  Which is funny because she is always the one who comes in
and turns on the radio so Little Buck and I haven't been listening to the radio.  Instead I
have been driving him crazy with earworms.  That's what Kenny calls them... songs you can't
get out of your head and you sing over and over again.  My only problem is I sing the same line
over and over again.  Every day it has been a different song but always the same line.

Today's earworm...  "if you wanna be with me, baby there's a price to pay, I'm a genie in a
bottle, you gotta rub me the right way".  So picture me singing that one line all day long.  Poor
Little Buck.  Jen, come back!  The earworms are driving me crazy and I'm driving Little Buck
crazy!!!

Little Buck and I decided today that if I ever need to fire him, someone else is going to have
to do it.   =o)   I remember when I hired him I didn't know if it was the best thing to do or
not because he and Steven are best friends.  But he fits in really well w/ Jen and I.  He says
he's just one of the girls!  hehehehe

And poor Steven!  I flipped out on him today!  Sorry Steven!!  =o(   It was kinda funny though
because if I ever flip out like that I just start laughing about it.  It's impossible to argue
with Steven about anything.  He wins no matter what.  I hate that!

The toilet is now completely fixed and I know more about plumbing than I ever needed to
know.  Thanks HB for the education!

HB stands for Honey Bunny.  When I was about 20 I had a crush on this guy where I used to
work.  I have no clue why because I look back now and he was a total geek.  And I love
geeks.  But he was a different kind.  Very odd.  Odd is a good word to describe him.
Anyways, for some reason my friend and I started to refer to him as HB.  This is the funny
thing...

My friends Brian, Melissa, Ian, Jen, (a different Jen - not the Jen I have now - hehehehe -
and not my niece Jenn, wow, I know alot of Jennifers) my sister, Rhonda and I were all
planning a get together at Jen's house.  We were going to cook all kinds of good food and
hang out together playing games and listening to music.  So a couple weeks before I had
emailed HB, that guy I had the crush on, and invited him to join us.  Not as a date or anything,
just as a friend because I knew he didn't go out much.  The ironic thing is, he ended up
making some lame excuse as to why he couldn't go, which was just a cover for the real
reason; he was too shy.  But we had all met Dwayne (my hubby) like the weekend before and
we ended up inviting him too just because he was new to our church, seemed like a nice guy,
and was our age.

So that night came and I remember being somewhat disappointed that HB wasn't going to be
there, but I had decided to have a good time anyways.  We had a GREAT time and Dwayne
made me laugh so much.  Sometimes I think I fell in love with him right away, or at least
serious "in like".  He was so funny and so animated and so musically talented and so
"everything I wanted in a man".  And he would dance around all over the place and shake his
butt.  He has a great butt and I tease him now and tell him that I married him for his butt!
hehehe...  So there I was, sad that the original HB wasn't going to be there.  Little did I know
that Dwayne was going to end up being my REAL HB.

So that's the HB story.  And when I refer to Dwayne as HB, now you know why!

I miss those days SO much.  They seem like a lifetime ago.  I miss having a group of friends
to hang out with like we used to hang out back then.  And I miss all the "in love" feelings I had
for Dwayne.  He called me tonight from work just to chat.  He hasn't done that very often
lately.  When we were dating we talked on the phone several times a day during work.  I
couldn't concentrate on anything else.  My work really suffered, my boss was angry with me,
and I couldn't have cared less.  All I wanted to do was be with Dwayne, talk to Dwayne, think
about Dwayne.  I had never wanted to be with anyone so badly.  And after work we spent
every minute we could together.  He would come to my house and stay until 2 or 3 or
sometimes even 4 am.  We would lay on my bed (innocently) and fall asleep looking at each
other.  Or sometimes he would play my guitar and sing me to sleep.  I was so in love and
infatuated with him.

Sometimes I get angry with God for letting those feelings go away.  I know that it isn't His
fault.  But I don't understand why He would choose Dwayne for me (and I do believe without
a shadow of a doubt that Dwayne is the man God intended me to be with) and then allow all of
those feelings to go away.  Of course I love him, maybe deeper now than in the beginning.  But
deeper, not higher.  Meaning I no longer feel "high" from being in love with him.  And that
makes me sad.

Yet I know I can't blame God.  I don't believe God makes bad things happen.  I think He
ALLOWS them to happen so that we will realize we need Him in our lives and we need to
learn something from the mistakes we make.   I wish I could figure out what God is trying to
teach me right now.  Maybe I just can't hear Him whispering it quietly in my ear because I'm
too busy running away from Him.  I'm sorry God, I haven't been very nice to You lately.   =o(
 

July 16, 1999 - Friday Evening

Today wasn't a very good day.  It started out and ended up okay.  I was happy and hyper.
But after lunch I started to feel really dizzy and yucky again.  This dizziness thing is really
driving me nuts.  I should go to the doctor but I don't know how to explain how it feels.
"Doctor, I'm dizzy."  What the heck is she going to be able to do for me?  I hate going to the
doctors.  Hate it, hate it, hate it!

Did I mention that I hate it?  Hate what?  Going to the doctors.  What about the doctors?  I
hate it.  Hate what?  Going to the doctors.  I know, I'm pretty much weird.  But it's okay.
What's okay?  That I'm weird.  What about me being weird?  It's okay.  What's okay?
hehehehehe  Aren't I the queerest person in the whole wide world??!!  I'm in a good mood
again.  =o)

Tonight my sister is sleeping over with her 2 babies and 1 teenager.  The teenager... she does
have a name - Amanda, is drawing me pictures.  They are way cool and when they're done I'm
going to scan them and put them up.  She's very talented.

All I can draw is a sunflower.  I'm a good gluer though.  hehehehe - only Shari will understand
that joke.  We went through a crafting phase (well, she still makes alot of really cool stuff)
and I can't knit or sew or anything like that.  All I could do was glue stuff together.  Well,
that's okay with me, if that was all I could do, I was going to be the best at it.  So I became
an expert gluer for about a month.  Then I stopped making things.

Sometimes I wish I had more of an adventurous spirit.  I'm a schedule, organization type of
girl.  Not to mention the fact that I'm a baby and get home sick really easy.  But sometimes I
wish I could just get in my car and take a trip to the mountains, sit by a stream, maybe swim
in a section of the stream where it pools and you can see down to the bottom because the
water is so clear.  There are alot of things that I wish were different about me.  There are
alot of things I would LOVE to do if I had more guts.  Hmmmm... I'll have to work on that.

**Toilet Update**
There is one problem with the newly reconstructed toilet... you have to shake the handle to
make the water stop running into it.  What a pain in the butt.  But Dwayne still did a good job!
Every day he teaches me something new about the toilet.  Can you say "yay"?  I can hardly
contain my excitement.

I'm tired!  I need sleep!  I think I'll take a nap before I go pick Dwayne up.

Nite!  Sweet dreams!
 

July 19, 1999 - Monday Evening

**Free to a good home**  One male husband, applicant must have patience, patience, and
more patience.  He is house broken but likes to tear apart bathrooms which kind of defeats
the purpose of being house broken.  And he has a great butt... that has to count for
something.
 

I think that Dwayne figured out that he taught me just about everything one can learn about
a toilet so he has stopped talking about it for the most part.  Now he is learning Microsoft
Access (which is a program I absolutely HATE) and feels the need to share everything he
learns about it with me.  He cracks me up and drives me crazy all at the same time.

Jennifer is back from vacation so we listened to the radio today.  Which is cool because that
means there was no earworm incident.  That is a very good thing.  Because lately in my car I
have been singing the National Anthem at the top of my lungs.  Why?  I have no idea.  I just
like that song.

I had a busy weekend.  My sister and three of her kids slept over Friday, Saturday I spent
the day shopping and going out to dinner with my friend and her daughter, Sunday Dwayne
and I went shopping and then to his parents house for a cook out.  It was a good weekend
other than the fact that it was over 100 degrees most of the time.  I'm not happy about the
heat.  Why can't it be 70 degrees all summer long?  It's good that it finally rained today
because we needed it!

Well, I actually have alot to do so I better not stay...

Nite, nite!
 

July 21, 1999 - Wednesday

Today's bug story...  My two 17 year old nieces  are visiting for a couple days.  Amanda and
Kara.  We came home from shopping this afternoon and in the walk way there was like a black
cloud of ants all piled up together.  Have you ever seen them like that?  They look like a pile
of chocolate jimmies.  Well, we took one look at that, got grossed out, and in perfect Clint
Eastwood form Amanda grabbed the hose with the spray gun at the end and rocked those
ants world!  Then she calmly put the hose down and said to them, "Merry Christmas, Happy
New Year, and keep the change."  I laughed my head off!  God I love teenagers sometimes!
Now I remember why I used to love being the youth group leader at my church.

Course when I was the youth group leader back then I was 19 years old, which worked out to
be only a couple years older than some of the kids I was trying to teach.  They didn't always
listen to me.  Let me try that again... they barely ever listened to me.  But we had so much
fun.  I remember one time we got together, there were about 20 kids between the ages of
13 and 17, and we had a pizza/game night.  I knew I had lost control when they started
running around hitting eachother over the head with empty pizza boxes and plastic soda
bottles.  So I did the only thing a responsible youth group leader could do... I joined them!
Those were the good old days!

Okay so I got stopped by a very handsome and sweet police officer late last night.  I was on
my way to pick up Dwayne at work and it was like 1:30 in the morning.  I was going 55 in a 40.
Hey, at least I CAN drive 55!  But he was very nice and told me he knew it was easy to speed
when it was that late and no one else was on the road, so he didn't give me a ticket or
anything.  I guess I can't brag about never getting stopped anymore though.  What a total
bummer... my halo is slipping away... oh wretched soul that I am!   =o(

Kara wrote a poem that I am putting up on my site, and Mandy wrote a song which I will also
put up if we can ever record it.  These girls are extremely talented.  They were doing this as
they were sitting out in my backyard overlooking the field and the windmill.  They were
inspired.  I remember visiting my sister-in-law and brother once and feeling inspired to write
while I also overlooked a similar scene.  Nature has a way of doing that I think.  Well, I say
nature, but what I really mean is that GOD has a way of inspiring us through nature.  That is
so very cool.  They are 17, moody, drive their parents crazy sometimes, but they have passion
and I love seeing that in them.  And if they always felt inspired like that here, I'd let them
live here with me forever.  =o)

Whoa, melodramatic... NEXT subject!

Hmmmm, that's all I can think of right now... I have to go and help Mandy with her song!
 

July 22, 1999 - Thursday

I took the girls home tonight.  Now I'm teenagerless.  =o(  But I'm planning on taking them
again sometime!

Today was a long boring day at work even though I was only there for 5 and 1/2 hours.  For
some reason the phones were so quiet!

Blah, blah, blah... this is all just small talk.  I'm in somewhat of a sad mood tonight.  It's weird
because when I say I'm in a sad mood and my family and friends read this they get all
concerned that I'm depressed or something.  I'm fine really.  When I get sad, I don't stay
sad, but I do express whatever feeling I'm feeling at the time.  Or try to.  So right now I am
feeling sad.

I think I mentioned this before but the problems that I see people around me experiencing
really affect me.  I hate seeing anyone struggle with anything.  I feel helpless because I
can't fix it for them.  For this reason I tend to alienate myself from people sometimes, which
is the exact opposite of being there for them.  I sometimes want to move away where I don't
know anyone so that I don't have to see people I care about hurting.  Weird.

My desk is a mess.  I need to clean it.

Today's bug story... There are approximately 266 spiders in my bathroom.  (Actually only
about 8 to 10 - I counted.)  Every morning when I go to take my shower there is always one
hanging somewhere in there and when I turn the water on it freaks out and I have to either
wait for it to climb up it's web to the ceiling or try to splash it off it's web, drown it, and
watch it get sucked down the drain.  I keep explaining to them that if they would just mind
their own business and stay up near the ceiling where I can't reach them, they would live a
long and productive life.  They don't listen to me.  There have been two spider fatalities this
week alone.

Oh by the way, no one responded to my "Free to a good home - one male husband" add.
That's okay because I think I'll keep him for a while longer.  I have been somewhat mean and
unappreciative towards him lately.  I complain about the things he doesn't do, the things he
takes forever to do, and the things I think he should let the landlord do.  I sometimes have
the feeling that certain people only see the bad things about him because I complain too
much.  He's not perfect by any means.  Neither am I though.  No one is actually.  But he's
working his butt off 60 hours a week to provide for me.  All of this while fixing the bathroom
and then doing 3 loads of laundry the following day.  And instead of thanking him for all of
that I complained that he hadn't gotten the oil changed in the car yet.  I'm a serious jerk
sometimes.

I can't wait to see him tonight!
 

July 23, 1999 - Friday Evening

I slept in today until 12:30 pm!  I never do things like that but it felt soooo good!  It didn't
help my grouchiness though!  I've been very irritable lately, sometimes it makes me laugh
when I get like that because I hear how ridiculous I sound.  If you hear me complaining about
anything feel free to remind me that circumstances around me should not determine my level
of joy.

So now prepare for a totally complain-free journal entry (ignore anything in parenthesis)...

I had a wonderful day today (NOT)!  When I came in to work it was a beautiful day out and
the weather was perfect (it was hotter than... insert your own phrase here!)  Two out of
three computers were working (just barely) so I had to sit at Buck's (totally unorganized,
cramped, full of dust, pathetic excuse for a desk) desk.  Work was plentiful (it was totally
dead) and I had a wonderful conversation (disagreement) with my friend (who drove me
crazy!).  Thankfully after Jennifer left I got to sit at my own desk, where all the programs
were up and running.  (Until I deleted something I shouldn't have, messed up ICQ, and after
rebooting several times had to re-download ICQ, which means everyone who had a profile
there will have to reregister it - Buck, Jennifer, Jeff, Jim, Tawnya and yours truly.  Which
means all of the contacts I had on my ICQ are gone and I'll have to add them ALL OVER
AGAIN.  I don't even remember everyone I had on there.)  Then I had 18 (17 too many)
emails I (slowly) promptly took care of.

=o)
 

July 24, 1999 - Saturday Evening

I have been online for two years.  For some reason tonight I was thinking about all the
friends I made the first few months and how I don't ever talk to them anymore.  It makes
me sad because I'm not the type of person who can just get over someone... meaning once you
no longer have contact with them just forget about them.

The very first friend I made online, I know I have talked about him before but humor me...
Let's call him Frank.  Because that is what he told me his first name was when I first met
him.  He didn't trust me so for the longest time I thought his name was Frank, because I did
trust him.  It's funny now that I think about it.  When I would talk about him to my friend,
Shari, I would always call him Frank so naturally SHE always called him Frank as well.  Later
on when we found out his real name she still continued to call him Frank because she was so
used to that name.  I remember when he told me his real name he thought I was going to be
mad at him for lying to me.  He took like an hour to tell me the truth.  I guess he didn't know
me enough to know how easily and quickly I can forgive someone.  Anyways....

Back then I worked somewhere else and I was actually on medical leave.  I didn't even have
my own computer.  I was always at my mother's house using hers or my Dad's.  (Mom's is in
the kitchen, Dad's is in the living room.)  One day I was in this room called "Friendly Chat" and
we were all just chatting and Frank started whispering to me.  If you haven't used Pirch you
wouldn't know what that meant but basically it was like a private chat room.  And we became
friends right away, and every day after that I would be online and around 12:30 pm he would
come online to chat with me.  We had the funnest time because my mom would be on her
computer and sometimes the three of us would chat together.

Well, then I finally got my own computer and Shari did too.  So then Frank, Shari, and I would
create our own room (I completely forget what we called it.) and chat at night.  We would
play games and Frank was always the Game Show Host.  And we would argue sometimes.
Most nights we made the room private so that no one else would come in and interrupt our
fun, but one time we forgot to make it private and this person who could barely speak
English, wandered into the room.  Shari and I couldn't understand him/her so we just
stopped talking and Frank got so mad at us because we deserted him and he was stuck trying
to make heads or tails from this conversation with a stranger.  It was so funny!  He was too
nice to kick the person out of our room so he just did the best he could.  What a sweetie he
was!  It was a blast while it lasted!

I'm so mad at him for leaving.

Okay so listen to this.  The Giggler got me SO GOOD today, I'm almost embarrassed to
share this but it was so funny I have to.  We were just talking on ICQ and when it was time to
say good-bye this is how the conversation went:

Giggler:  "bye"

Me:  "bye"

Giggler:  "bye"

Me:  "you said that already"

Giggler:  "whatever"

Me:  "fine"

Giggler:  "fine back"

Me:  "fine front"

Giggler:  "Moron"

Me:  "Loser"

Giggler:  "Jerk"

Me:  "Idiot"

Giggler:  "How do you keep a moron in suspense?"

Me:  "How?"

Then he went off-line.

I laughed my HEAD OFF!  It was soooo funny!  But I was mad at the same time.  He's in
HUGE trouble next time I see him!!!  That little naughty thing!  He's another one who gets to
benefit from me forgiving quickly and easily!
 

July 29, 1999 - Thursday Evening

It's been so long since I've written, I feel like a stranger!  There has been alot going on this
week so I haven't had the chance to write.  I feel pretty emotional right now so I probably
shouldn't even write but I'll try to keep it happy.

I'm so mad because the other night I was typing an entry and before I saved it, my
computer froze and I lost everything I wrote.  I figured I'd remember it the next time I
went to write but now it's been so long I forgot what I was writing.

So listen to this... we rented a movie the other day, which by the way was totally lame and not
even worth mentioning, and the next day I brought it back.  That night the video store called
me and told me that when they opened the movie, the tape they found was a blank tape, we
had taped tv movies and shows on, and not their movie.  I started laughing.  I wonder if they
checked it out to see what we had taped on there.  Anyways, so now I have to return the real
movie.  That made me laugh.

HB and I were both able to get next week off which we desperately need.  Today I made
reservations for a Bed & Breakfast up in the mountains for two nights which I can't wait to
get there!  It's a beautiful old house on over 30 acres and it just looks so calm and peaceful.
That's going to be nice.  And then the rest of the week we may take the girls (my nieces)
camping.  I love camping but it's alot of work!  I'm not sure I want to attempt it but we'll do
something.

The other night Mandy, Kara, and I decided to go to the beach.  We WERE NOT GOING TO
GO SWIMMING....  we went swimming.  =o)  It was like 10:00 at night and we were the only
fools in the water.  I was nervous (paranoid) because the waves were too big and knocking
me over and the girls wanted to go out even deeper.  They were freaking me out and I had to
keep calling them to come back in.  At 17 they have no fear of huge waves and under
currents.  I really showed my age as I was standing up to my waist and yelling for them to
come closer to the shore, reminding them that it was 10:00 at night and there was no
lifeguard on duty.

But we were having such a blast... until I look over at Kara and she drops down into the water
screaming, "Oh my God, oh my God!"  She was grabbing her knee and crying.  Turns out she
re-injured the knee she has already broken twice, but this time it wasn't broken.  So Mandy
and I helped her out of the water and practically had to drag her to the car.  Meanwhile I
forgot to mention that since we hadn't planned on going swimming we were in our clothes,
which were dripping wet, and had no towels.  But we all got into the car and once Kara was
settled and her knee was stabilized we actually were laughing about it on the way home.  We
ended up wrapping up her knee and putting ice on it and then her mom took her to the doctors
the next day.  She found out she had pulled a ligament.  I guess I'm realizing that teenagers
are always an adventure but I can not say enough how much I love having them here with me.
I wish I could keep them forever!

I know I've said this before but I'm going to say it again.  Nice people really make me happy.
Tonight I went to this little grocery store in town to pick up some soda.  I was at the back of
the store near the deli and I was the only person back there, or so I thought.  I'm looking
over the soda and I hear, "How are you tonight Dear?"  And I look up to see this adorable
guy smiling at me from behind the deli.  He had to be around 20 or so.  I said, "I'm fine
thanks, and how are you?"  And he just went on to tell me that he was doing good but he was
looking forward to getting out of work and just other small talk.

My point?  It doesn't take much to make me happy, to make me smile, to make me feel like
there are still decent people in the world.  I was kind of moping around because I was in a
sad mood.  All it took was for him to say Hi and start a conversation and I felt so much
better.  Now, I know what you're thinking... that it was because he was young and good
looking, which he was, but that wasn't why he made me feel better.  He made me feel better
because he was kind.  I truly love kind people and I can tell the difference between someone
who is just being polite and someone who is being kind.

Moral of the story?  Be kind to someone because they may have just been hurt by someone or
sad about circumstances in their life or lonely or feeling unappreciated... and you could make
them feel better.  =o)
 

July 31, 1999 - Saturday Night

I'm officially on vacation!  Dwayne will be too as soon as he gets out of work tonight!

Tonight my mom came over and brought Mandy and Kara with her.  We went to the beach
again and went swimming again.  Well, we don't really swim, we just kinda jump around in the
waves.  It was fun and this time Kara was very careful with her knee!

There is a gigantic mosquito in here and he's threatening to take a pint of blood from me.  I
don't think so pal.  Scram.  Don't you love how I talk to bugs?

I killed my eight bathroom spiders for the Giggler.  He doesn't like them.

Hey, I bought a scanner at Walmart today.  I was afraid it wouldn't be very good quality
because it only cost $60 bucks!  But it's working very nicely and I think it scans pretty well.
I'm so psyched!

Let's see how it works.  Here is the watergirl that Mandy drew.  I love this picture!...

That's so cool.  I love it!  And I love my new scanner too!

I gotta go to bed.  I know I didn't write much but oh well!  Good night!