March 8, 1999 - Monday Evening

Men are so strange.  Why do they send so many mixed messages?  One minute they want you
desperately, the next they could care less if we are alive or not.  I don't GET this about
men!  Can anyone please explain that to me?

Okay, I got overly stressed at work today and there really wasn't any need to.  I am the
type of person that feels that if I don't do "it", whatever "it" happens to be at that moment,
"it" won't get done correctly.  And even if that was the case, I still need to get over it and
begin delegating.  Just an observation I have made about myself.

This whole journal/diary thing is really weird to me.  Does anyone find it strange that I want
total strangers knowing intimate details about my life and feelings but I don't want my
friends and family reading any of this?  Is this normal or am I nuts?  I'm sure I'll get used
to it.

March 10, 1999 - Wednesday Evening

I don't understand myself.  Why is it that I can't do anything apart from my emotions?
There are people every day that wander around NOT "feeling" anything and here I am...
going through everything "feeling" to the max.  I am so melodramatic.  I was chatting with one
of my friends on the internet ( I do this alot - I know what you're thinking... get a life,
right?!)  He's really funny and pretty special.  But for some reason when I try to explain my
feelings to him he gives me these "all you have to do is.." answers and it always sounds easier
than it is.  He's cool though because he cracks me up.

So I'm interviewing some people for a job opening we have where I work.  It should be cool
although I have no clue what I'm going to ask.  I really hope I pick the right person for the
job though.

My dog is cracking me up tonight.  (I use that phrase alot huh?)  He heard something outside
and when he hears something he goes over to the door, touches it with his nose, stares
straight ahead, and stands there... waiting.  I think he thinks if his nose is touching the door he
will be able to hear whatever it is better.  =o)  Crazy thing!

March 11, 1999 - Thursday Evening

I have decided that I don't like interviewing people.  I take that back, I like interviewing,
what I don't think I'm going to like is saying "no" to everyone that I CAN'T hire.  =o(   And
everyone has been really nice so far and I guess I'm just too darned soft.  What a bummer!

But hey, I had a great day today.  I'm happy, happy, happy!  No particular reason except that
we had fun at work and laughed alot.  I like those kind of days so much better than getting all
stressed out!  There are two people I work with that remind me of Drew and Mimi on "The
Drew Carey Show".  They bicker back and forth and drive eachother up the wall (and drive
me up the wall too!!!)

Tomorrow is my birthday, but shhhhhhhhhh... don't tell anyone.  I hate people around me
knowing about my birthday.  I don't like being the center of attention like that.  I think
people would find that hard to believe but it's true.  I remember at my 3rd birthday party
when everyone started to sing "Happy Birthday" to me I ran up to my room and cried my
eyes out.  To this day I can't stand it when people sing to me.

Last night I was talking with one of my friends.  He is so funny and fun to hang out with, but I
don't understand him sometimes.  He seems to have his life so together, and he seems to be
unafraid of everything.  I wish I was stronger like that.

Okay... I'm tired... nite nite!

March 13, 1999 - Saturday Afternoon

Wow - talk about emotional roller coaster... on Thursday I was quote "happy, happy, happy"
and on Friday I was sad, sad, sad.  But then by Friday evening I was happy, happy, happy
again.  What is up with me?  Okay, Friday started out bad because it was my birthday and my
husband and I had gotten into an argument.  Then, at work, I received flowers from him that
he had picked out a few days ago.  I felt like such a jerk.  And later in the day I got into an
argument with a friend on the phone and didn't resolve it before leaving for the day.  I'm
still sad about that.  =o(

But then my best friend and her husband came to rescue me from my despair.  We went out
to a nice Italian restaurant for dinner (I had pasta drenched in garlic, oil, and spices -
yummmmmmmyyyyyy!)  Then we went back to my house to hang out and watch a movie.  They
are so cool to be with.  You'd have to know me to understand this but there aren't alot of
people I can be my geeky self with.  I can with them because they are geeky too.  =o)

After they left my sister-in-law called to wish me a Happy Birthday.  You know what?  I think
God knew that I needed to be with the people who understand me most because that is what
happened.  My sister-in-law understands almost every single thing about me.  So her and I
talked on the phone for awhile.  (Is it "her and I" or "she and I" ?)  She lives about 7 or 8
hours away from me so we don't get to spend alot of time together.  Hopefully in a couple of
years they will be moving back here and then we can be buds again!

My hubby took me out to breakfast this morning and gave me presents.  Listen to what he
wrote on the card that came with the flowers:  "You are the sunshine in the rain, the Spring in
the Winter...  You are my hope during tough times... You are the kiss of life."  How beautiful is
that?  When my co-workers read that I clearly saw the look on their faces.  Their looks were
saying, "Is he married to the same person WE know??"  hehehehehe... and you know what I
say to that?  "WhatEVER!!!"  =oÞ

March 14, 1999 - Sunday Evening

I was kinda sad today at church.  The sermon was about praying and I feel so far away from
God lately I haven't been doing much praying.  Which is probably why I feel so far away from
God.  =o(

Other than that I have had a nice day so far.  After church we went out for lunch and then my
in-laws came over to celebrate my birthday.  My brother-in-law, who is 15, baked my cake
from scratch.  That kid amazes me because everything he does he does very well.

After our visit we went grocery shopping, came home, and now I'm here.  Not a terribly
exciting day but just nice in general.

Okay, my house is infested with ladybugs.  Yeah they're pretty and cute and harmless and all
but enough already!  There are billions of them in here and they're starting to get on my last
nerve!  Hehehehehehe... My husband told me that yesterday when he was walking into work he
felt something strange crawling around in his pants.  He went into the bathroom, pulled down
his pants, and said there she was... a ladybug trying to take advantage of him!!!  I laughed for
several minutes and asked him what he did with the ladybug.  He said, "I flicked her into the
toilet."  Hahahahahaha... that was way too funny!    =o)

March 15, 1999 - Monday Evening

Yuck!  Who ordered this darn snow???  Well, whoever did it... please UN-order it!  It is
making me sad... I want SPRING!

Okay... someone in the office found out it was my birthday on Friday.  I want to know who
spilled the beans!  I actually already know.  So one of the girls made a yummy coffee cake
for my birthday cake, which was really nice.  =o)  But then one of the guys made some
comment about me being cranky because I was getting old.  NOT NICE!  =oÞ

I tried to make up with the friend I had the argument with on Friday.  He is so strange, I
just can't figure him out.  You know what I say to that?  "Whatever!"

Hmmmm... I don't have alot to say today.

March 17, 1999 - Wednesday Evening

So it bothers me that while everyone around me was getting sick every other day this winter
I remained healthy.  And now that everyone else is back to their healthy selves... I get sick.
And I'm just warning you all now... I'm a wicked baby when I get sick.  I called in this morning
and stayed home.  I absolutely hate staying home from work.  First of all I love being at work
and I have a great time there, but also I get very disoriented being at home when I should
be at work.  It bothers me.

My hubby decided that I needed fresh air today.  Hello, does anyone understand the concept
of staying home when you're sick to get well?  Why does everyone say that you need fresh
air?  I get fresh air every day.  Today I need good old warm, stale, HOME air.  But I agreed
to let him take me for a drive so he could feel like he was being a good husband and taking
care of me.  =o)  Okay and I'll admit that it was a really nice day and I did enjoy the fresh
air.

Wow... I was reading in my old journal about a dream I had a long time ago.  In this dream I
had a baby, it was a boy, and I brought him home from the hospital and he was just so
perfect.  And we were building a house on top of this hill.  Driving up the drive way, you
couldn't see anything because all the trees hung over it making it look like a tunnel.  But when
you got to the top of the hill it was all open field and we were going to build our house right in
the middle.  That was a really nice dream.  I wish more of my dreams would come true!

March 19, 1999 - Friday Evening

You know what?  I miss breathing.  My nose is bothering me and I'm tired of blowing it.  But a
girl at work bought me some Puffs Plus today cause she felt bad for my nose I guess.  Sweet
huh?  =o)

Okay, so you know that friend I got in an argument with last week over the phone?  Well,
everything is all better now.  He called me and we're back to normal.  Which is nice because I
was missing him.  It's funny because I went all week without talking to him and it didn't
bother me but as soon as he called I realized that I had been sad about the argument.  I'm
happy now.  =o)

Back to the ladybug situation... one landed in my diet pepsi last night and I almost drank it.  I
would not have been happy about that.  Not in the least!  I want these ladybugs out of my
house!

I finally hired someone for the position at work.  I hope everything works out!  I really need
to get my act together there.  I feel like I haven't been doing as much as I could to make
things better.  I wish I had more time.

March 21, 1999 - Sunday Afternoon

I feel kind of isolated right now.  I got back from taking Dwayne to work a little while ago
and it's so quiet in the house.  I really should be visiting someone, or shopping, or cleaning, or
something constructive... but I don't feel like it.  For some reason I just feel like being alone
with my thoughts.  If I could sing, I'd be singing.  But my stuffed up nose won't cooperate.  I
hope this cold doesn't hang around too much longer.

I got a package in the mail the other day from my sister-in-law, the one I was talking about
earlier that called me on my birthday.  She sent me this cute little ceramic picture frame
with Eeyore.  He is my very favorite!!!  But better than that was a picture that my nephew
drew for me.  He's only 3 and he's just so precious.  And then she also sent some pictures I
had taken with her camera when they were here for Christmas.  Pictures of Dwayne and our
niece who is 10 months old.  Dwayne was holding her and they were both sleeping and they
looked so much alike and it was such a sweet moment that I took a bunch of pictures of them.
=o)  It makes me miss them so much!!!

Yesterday I went to work even though I don't normally work on Saturdays.  I got to work
with one of my favorite people.  We used to work together all the time but then I started
working during the day and he stayed working nights, so I only see him when we switch
shifts.  He cracks me up so much.  It's amazing how you can just be with someone and they
make you laugh over stupid things.  I love those kind of people!

So while I was at work yesterday I spent my time emailing all the people who had emailed me
resumes for the job.  Whew, I'm glad that's over... now I wait and see how this new person
works out.  For some reason I'm really nervous about this.  I really want to know that I made
the right decision.  This is the first time I've had to hire someone on my own.

After church today we got together with the pastors and elders in the church (elders are
church leaders) and Dwayne's family.  His little sister who is nine had a neck injury and has
been having problems walking.  We got together to pray for her.  As we were praying I was
just so moved because these men that were praying for her were crying some of them.  For
some reason I'm moved when a man cries.  There are some very special men in my church.  I
feel safe there.

Earlier I was reading an email I had gotten from a really good friend that I had met online.  I
met him in a chat room on pirch back in June or July of 97.  I haven't talked to him in a little
over a year because he decided to get offline.  It's amazing how much I miss him.  I don't
understand how I can get so attached to people I meet online but I do.  He was the first
friend I ever made over the internet.

This whole friendship on the internet is somewhat getting to me.  I have been online for about
2 years now, and in that 2 years I've watched several what I consider very close friends
come and go.  I like the coming part, and hate the going part.  In some ways it does get
easier.  Nothing was as hard as saying goodbye to that first friend.  Weeks will go by without
me thinking about him, but then suddenly for no reason he pops into my mind and I get sad all
over again.  Maybe now I keep myself at a distance so I don't have to re-live that again.  He
always used to tell me that after he went offline I'd find someone to replace him and I'd be
fine.  Several have tried, one has come close, none have succeeded.

March 22, 1999 - Monday Evening

I got car sick today.  I had to bring Dwayne to work, there was a huge accident and several
detours.  Man, I was not happy.  I'm not one for scenic routes I guess.  So what normally may
have taken a half an hour, took me one and a half hours.  =o(  I'm all better now though.  =o)

Okay, I'm feeling a bit guilty lately.  My house is a disaster and I really don't feel like
cleaning it.  I'm not normally like that but for some reason lately I just can't make myself
clean the house!  Dwayne says he feels the same way lately.  Listen to what he did.  This
makes me laugh!!!  We went shopping the other day and he is so tired of doing dishes that he
bought paper plates, plastic cups, plastic forks, and plastic spoons so that we can just throw
them away and not dirty any dishes.  I thought I was bad!  That is a bit extreme wouldn't you
say?!  hehehehehehehehehe

Here is an example of the non-cleaning that has been going on in this house (or the cleaning
that has NOT been going on in this house - it's the same which ever way you look at it!) ... my
birthday flowers are thoroughly dead yet they are still sitting on the counter!  It reminds me
of when I was working at my last job.  There was a man that sat next to me named Frank.
This man cracked me up so much.  Some lady had gotten flowers and after they had died she
threw them in her garbage.  He picked them out of the garbage, gave them to one of our
mutual friends with a note that read, "I love you to death."  It was sooooooo funny.  But what
was funnier was the fact that this friend then took the dead flowers, put them in a vase and
displayed them on top of her desk for another week!!!  I miss Frankie!

Here's another Frank story...  One weekend I had let Dwayne cut my hair.  It is never a good
sign when the person who is cutting your hair says, "Uh oh".  This is how the conversation
went:

Dwayne:  "Uh oh"
Me:  "What?"
Dwayne:  "I'm cutting your hair uphill."
Me:  "Well stop it."
Dwayne:  "Okay, I just have to even it out now."
Me:  Silent prayer

That was the longest hair cut I ever received!  And so the next day I go to work, sit down at
my desk, Frank takes one look at me and says, "It's okay, it'll grow back in a couple weeks."
And when I told him that Dwayne had cut my hair he told me that Dwayne should go to work
cutting hair for the Army.  hehehehehehehe  Oh man!  That was way too funny!

March 23, 1999 - Tuesday Late Night

I backed up into my co-workers car today.  And the worst part about it was the fact that she
was standing right there telling me how much room I had.  She didn't tell me to stop quick
enough.  It was kinda funny though.  Nothing happened to either one of the cars.

I went over my friend's house after work to have dinner with her and do the "girl talk"
thing.  She also let me use her scanner.  So all my pictures are courtesy of her!!!  =o)  She's
the best!

I have another "Drew & Mimi" story for you but I'm WAY too tired to tell it now... I'll have
to fill you in on it later.  Remind me.  hehehehehe - like you can do that!

But I have to go to bed for now... If I stay up much later I'm going to sleep through the
alarm clock in the morning and I'm sure my neighbors wouldn't appreciate that.  Nite!!!

March 24, 1999 - Wednesday Evening

Okay... let me explain the Drew and Mimi thing.  I work with these two people, Jim and Jen.
Neither one of them resemble Drew or Mimi in any way but they bicker back and forth like
Drew and Mimi which is why I call them that.

It all began when Jim and Jen had to share a desk.  Jen works during the day and Jim works
at night so he would sit at her desk.  Well, he likes to be comfortable when he is working so
he would TOTALLY rearrange all the stuff on her desk so that it would be more comfy for
him.  And every morning when Jen would come in she would have to crawl around on the floor
to re-thread all the cords back underneath her desk and every day she would complain about
Jim.

Jim also likes to put his feet up under the desk so he would take an empty crate and put it
under there.  And every morning Jen would come in, forget it was under there and always hit
her legs on it.  So she would move it to the other side of the room so he wouldn't put it under
the desk.  Every afternoon Jim would come in, look under the desk, realize that the crate
wasn't under there, hunt it down, and put it back under the desk.  This went on for days, and
every time Jen would move the crate she would move it farther and farther away until she
finally hid it and Jim never found it.  (It is actually still in the spot where she hid it from
him!!!  hehehehehe)

Everything was fine for a couple days until Jim started to find empty cardboard boxes
around the office and he then began to use them under the desk.  And the whole ritual
started all over again.  This whole time neither one of them would ever say anything about this
box situation to eachother.

Well, Jim started to sit at a different desk (when their hours began to overlap).  This made
Jen VERY happy and they stopped silently fighting over the box.  Jim was happy because he
could now put a box under his new desk and no one would move it.

Until one day he came in the office, took his stinky boots off and instead of placing them next
to his desk, he placed them next to Jen's desk.  This made her very mad because they
stunk.  So when Jim got up to leave the room for a few minutes she went underneath his desk
and hid his box on him again.  I will never forget him coming back into the room, looking under
his desk and saying, "UH OH, where's my box?"  Because that was the first time he had ever
mentioned the box situation out loud.  I laughed my head off and all Jen said was, "we just
cleaned the room".

A few days later Jim came to work carrying a box.  Jen said he had looked like he had
stopped off at the post office to pick up a package, but when he sat down at his desk, he
carefully placed the box under his desk and put his feet up.  He had decided to bring in his
OWN box from home, and had even reinforced it using packing tape!!!  I never laughed so
hard in my life!!!

Jen finally gave up and one day before he got to work she pulled his box out from under his
desk, took a magic marker, and wrote on the top of the box, "Jim's Box - Do NOT Remove!"

And there you have my Drew & Mimi story.
 

March 25, 1999 - Thursday Evening

So today was a totally weird day.  It all began when we were sitting at our desks, minding our
own business, when all of the sudden we heard a HUGE explosion.  My co-worker ran outside
(and left me to answer the phones - thanks Kathy! hehehehe), came back in and said there
was a fried bird on the side of the road.  Apparently the bird was flying around the electrical
lines and ended up cooking itself.  The fire trucks came, investigated the lines, removed the
cooked bird (probably brought it to the local... nevermind) and left.

Just as my heart rate was returning to normal, we heard another explosion.  Again my
co-workers deserted me and I got stuck on the phones, but this time there was no dead bird
anywhere.  The fire trucks returned, decided they better call the power company (brilliant),
and they ended up closing traffic and taking pretty much all day to fix it.  This whole time we
kept thinking that at any moment the electricity was going to go out.  And the worst part
about it was the fact that with the road blocked off how were we going to get anyone to
deliver any lunch??  So yours truly ended up walking to pick it up.  Which was fine because it
was a nice day out.  It was totally hectic and just plain weird.  I'm glad it's over!

But I love where I work.  I know I sound sick but I can't help it.  It can be a totally stressful
and crazy day but I always enjoy being there.  What is wrong with me?

My dead birthday flowers are still on the counter (and look even more dead).  Just wanted
to let you know.

Yesterday a ladybug landed on the "L" of my keyboard.  I was polite and asked her to please
move, she ignored me.  The nerve!  And you know what it's like moving a ladybug?!  For one
thing I can't kill ladybugs so I just end up moving them out of my way.  But you know how
annoying they are when you try to place something in front of them so they will crawl onto it
and then they end up turning around and going the opposite way.  So if that happens you take
two things and place them on either side of it and then they just lay there real still and
refuse to move.  Or if you DO end up getting them on something else... like say a pen for
example, then you can't get them off the pen.  They are stubborn little things!

My dog is funny.  You might notice that I talk about my boy dog, Zach, more than my girl dog,
Keisha.  It's just because his personality is funnier.  This is what he has been doing lately.  I
can tell that he doesn't feel good.  It's obvious because when I feed him he doesn't gobble
his food down really fast.  The last two days he just lays down next to the bowl and when I
make a move to pick it up he gets up really quick and puts his mouth over it as if he's getting
ready to eat but just stands there really still.  He thinks he's tricking me.  It works though
because I'm afraid to take it away from him when he is hovering over it like that, so I go
back and sit down.  Once he sees me sitting, he lays back down next to his bowl.  He does the
same thing if Keisha starts coming anywhere close to him.  He makes me laugh!

Uh oh, here comes another ladybug.  Man!!!  She's on my mouse pad.  What the heck is up with
that?

March 28, 1999 - Sunday Evening

We saw the funniest thing on our way to church this morning.  We were driving (well, Dwayne
was driving, I was riding - even though he says I always try to drive for him which I can't
help because I hate his driving) down the highway which is split and has guard rails down the
center.  Well, apparently someone had gotten into an accident because in one spot the guard
rail had a bunch of HUGE dents in it.  The funny part about that was that they had put orange
cones up in front of the guard rail where the dents were...

Okay, correct me if I'm wrong but the purpose of putting up orange cones is to alert
oncoming traffic to steer clear of a certain area, right?  Do they really think we need to be
warned to stay away from the guard rail?  I mean, if by chance you're headed towards the
guard rail then it's obvious you're about to get in an accident.  In which case the orange cones
will not help.  I had to laugh at seeing that!

You know what I've noticed lately?  I haven't been as emotional as I was last week.  That's
pretty neato!

Oh, and we FINALLY threw out my dead birthday flowers!  Aren't you proud of us?

I watched "Touched By An Angel" tonight.  That show is so good, every week it's good.  It's
the only show on tv that I feel comfortable with the way they portray God.  It hit on alot of
topics but the one that I related to the most was that this woman's mother was mentally ill
and the daughter was so afraid of being that way herself.  And Monica told her that God had
given her a sound mind.  That comes from the verse in the Bible... "For God did not give us a
spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline" 2 Timothy 1:7.  I think
that's the verse I'm thinking about anyways.

But there is mental illness in my family history too and that used to be my greatest fear when
I was a teenager; that I would "go insane".  You know what I've realized about that though?
If you think you're going crazy then chances are you probably aren't.  Comforting huh?