June 3, 2000 - Saturday Afternoon

            Well, I'm not feeling the best - again.  I got sick this past week.  It almost
            felt like the flu but I didn't vomit or feel feverish or anything.  I'm better
            but my tummy still becomes upset.  Dwayne is off doing yard work and
            other stuff outside to avoid my whining.  I guess I can't blame him.

            There has just been so much on my mind lately.  I can't seem to shake
            this dark cloud around my head.  I feel stressed out about so much.
            About family problems, about being sick, about procrastinating, about
            everything.  I just need to let it all go.  There is no need for me to hang
            onto this stuff.  I know everything will work out.  I know God will take
            care of everything.

            But that's another thing I'm stressed out about.  I have just been very
            rebellious with God.  Not in huge ways that anyone would recognize, just
            in small ways in my own heart.  I haven't wanted to go to church.  That's
            the biggest one.  And I feel guilty about that.  I'm not even sure why I
            don't want to go.  I don't pray like I should.  I don't spend time with God
            like I should.  I even feel guilty for feeling stressed out.  Like I should
            know better than to not put my trust in God.  And it's not that I'm
            distrusting God; it's that I'm forgetting to even think about trusting God.
            I don't know.  It's weird.  I guess everyone goes through their good and
            bad times.  Every christian faces times when they feel far away from God.
            With me, however, it's a constant struggle.  I'm sure it will work out
            though.

            I haven't talked about this yet in my journal and I'm not sure why.  But
            my friends, Shari and Tim, had a baby!  I don't know why I never
            mentioned the pregnancy.  Maybe I wanted to make sure everything
            would turn out okay or maybe I was trying to keep their privacy.  But
            whatever the case was... they now have a beautiful baby boy!  I haven't
            had a chance to meet him yet because of being sick.  I want to make sure
            I can't pass it to him.  I've seen pictures though and he's absolutely
            perfect.  What a precious little blessing he is going to be to them.  They
            are lucky.  Not lucky, blessed is a better word.  His name is Sam and I
            can't wait to see him.  =o)

            Dwayne wants to take me out tonight, to dinner and a movie.  Hmm... I
            hope my tummy can behave long enough for that.  I haven't been able to
            eat very much these days.  And I haven't wanted to go anywhere these
            days either.  I like being home doing my own thing.  Which surprises me
            considering how much I hate this little apartment.  I guess I don't always
            hate it.

            While I was busy being sick I got a house call from the census people -
            again.  I thought this was all straightened out but I guess I was wrong.
            So while I stood in the door way hoping my tummy would cooperate and
            trying to keep Keisha from barking, we discussed my address again for
            the millionth time.  These census people are sapping all the life right out
            of me!

            Keisha blew another darn gland out of her butt.  (Read here about the
            first.)  She's been restricted to the kitchen.  I feel bad but I don't want
            her near me with her leaky butt.  Dog owning isn't for the faint hearted.
            Especially when they have gross things happen like this.  They are so
            much work!  I got upset last week because I feel like we have put our lives
            on hold because of this dog.  We can't get into just any apartment we
            want.  99% of all apartments won't allow you to have pets, let alone dogs.
            It makes things very difficult.  But I do love my dog.  I guess we will
            continue to make that sacrifice to keep her.
 

June 7, 2000 - Wednesday Afternoon

            Work has been so slow.  Quiet.  Boring.  Dead.  Get the picture?  So here
            I am again, writing an entry.  Not that I'm about to say anything
            important or interesting because it would seem that "slow", "quiet",
            "boring", and "dead" are appropriate words to describe my journal lately
            as well.  What does this say about my personality?  Hmmm... I need to
            get a life!  I don't want to be boring.

            Last night Dwayne and I went to see "Mission Impossible II".  Okay, I
            normally really love watching Tom Cruise because usually he is just plain
            beautiful.  But he was scraggily in this movie.  The long hair, the
            unshaven face.  I still like him and everything but I wasn't drooling over
            him in this movie.  What a shame!  And the fight sequences were just
            really long and drawn out.  What is up with that?  It gets old after a
            while.  I did like the movie but not as much as the first one.

            The most important part of the whole night is that I was able to get my
            beloved Blue Raspberry Icee.

            You know, I'm really annoying during action movies.  Sometimes Dwayne
            has to tell me to quiet down.  I don't even realize the way I am until he
            jabs me in the side or something.  I gasp if someone is about to get their
            finger chopped off.  I say, "Noooo!" if someone is about to shoot herself in
            the arm with an injection gun.  I roll my eyes and say "Stupid!" if the
            main character only half kills the bad guy, leaving the loaded gun laying
            next to the body knowing full well the half dead bad guy is going to grab
            it in one last effort to kill the good guy.  I hate that most of all.  The other
            one I hate is when the main character is being chased inside their home
            and they run upstairs instead of outside.  Dumb, dumb, dumb.  Man that
            aggravates me!

            I almost couldn't sleep last night.  Right as I was about to fall asleep the
            electricity went out.  That wouldn't be a problem except that I need my
            fan on to sleep.  Even when it's not hot I need it.  I need the noise and I
            need the air circulation.  I am addicted to it.  I thought I would be tossing
            and turning all night but I was finally able to fall asleep.  Half way
            through the night the electricity came back on and I must have woke up
            because I felt my fan again and smiled as I drifted back to sleep.  I'm so
            queer.

            Okay... would you like to hear the latest plumbing adventure in my
            home?  There is now a pipe leaking under the kitchen sink.  Apparently
            it's the cold water so Dwayne had to shut the cold water off and now I
            only have hot water.  I hate that apartment.  I SO BADLY want to move!
            In November we'll have been there 5 years.  Man.  That's too long.

            The good news is that Keisha's butt appears to be dried up now.  The
            glands are healing.  She better not blow any more of them.  Gee whiz I
            don't need that.

            Okay... let's do some important useless facts today...

                                       important useless facts

            ** my birthday cards are still sitting on my desk
            ** next to my crown
            ** there is an inch of dust on my crown
            ** there are still pieces of streamer attached to the corners of the room
            ** remnants of my co-workers' love for me
            ** hehehehe
 

We need revival of the things we once knew of
We need to return back to our first love
We need to wake up, wake up from our sleeping
And get down, get down on our knees
("Stir It Up" - Imperials)

                             June 8, 2000 ~ Thursday Evening

            Ever feel empty inside, like you have nothing to look forward to?  That is
            how I was feeling today.  I got out of work, drove home, and wondered
            what I was going to do with myself all night.  I got home, laid on my bed,
            and started praying.  I didn't know what to pray for, just to feel better I
            guess.  I should know enough about my emotions to wait a day and my
            mood will change.  Just like New England weather.  But I wasn't
            reminding myself of that.  I think I wanted to dwell in my hopelessness.

            Dwayne came home, none too thrilled about my mood.  But precious
            man that he is, he reassured me that feelings come and go so it would be
            okay.  We started the project we had planned of rearranging our
            computer desk to make things fit a little better, so Dwayne put on some
            music.  And the above lyrics is what jumped out at me.  I need revival.  *I*
            need to return back to my first love.  As a Christian my first love is God.  I
            need to wake up and get down on my knees.  Meaning somehow snap
            myself out of this semi-depression I have found myself in, and start
            praying for an attitude change.

            I began to feel better after that.  It's a choice I need to make.  And once I
            make it, my joy will return.

            And that's all I have to say about that!

                            Please be advised...

            Amanda now has a license to drive.  It's a scary thing but very true.  This
            child just got her license two days ago yet she insists on telling all the
            other drivers on the road how to drive.  Good thing they can't hear her.
            She sure is a naughty thing.

            She is also the proud new owner of a 1999 fire engine red, Ford Escort.
            With an alarm system.  This is her favorite part of the car because it
            comes with a cool key chain that has several buttons that, when pushed,
            make all kinds of noise.  Lord knows she likes noise.

            I just thought I would give you all a fair warning.  If you thought she had
            attitude before... you should see her now.
 

June 11, 2000 - Sunday Afternoon

            Dwayne got out of work at 3:00 pm on Friday afternoon.  That's two hours
            early.  Guess why?  To come home and clean the house, do the dishes,
            and do 4 loads of laundry before I got home.  And he didn't just wash the
            clothes but folded them and put them away as well.  How precious is
            that?  He amazes me sometimes.

            So Friday night we didn't do too much.  While he had been cleaning and
            all that I was over my sister's house and came home a little after 8:00
            pm.  We just ended up eating pizza and watching a movie.  Saturday we
            took our time getting up and ready for the day and just kind of hung
            around the house for the morning.  Then we went driving for a little while
            and also did some birthday shopping.  Saturday night we went over his
            parent's house for his mom's birthday.

            Today we spent most of the day at church and now we're home.  Dwayne
            is fixing my kitchen sink!  Yay!  It smells under there to high Heaven.
            Eww!  He sprayed some mildew remover under there and that stuff
            always bothers my allergies.  Oh well... small price to pay for getting it
            fixed.  I guess I won't complain.  =o)

            I finally downloaded Paint Shop Pro again so I can resume creating my
            graphics at home but I'm running out of ideas.  Most other journals I
            read keep the same format for every entry.  I would like to do that but
            then I get bored real easy.  I like to change things.

            I'm feeling so much better than my last entry.  I knew that mood would
            pass eventually.  I just tend to get caught up in things and I am easily
            distracted from what I know is important in my life.  Meaning God, my
            marriage, my home, my family.  Those are the things I need to focus on.

            Dwayne and I really want to start thinking about where we'd like to make
            our home.  We know, have known for a long time, that we want to move.
            It's hard for us to find an apartment that will allow us to have Keisha.
            Besides that there are very few apartments available these days; they are
            expensive and go quickly.  We wouldn't find anything under probably
            $700 per month.  That's alot of money to throw away on rent.  But
            because of our past credit problems we have been hesitating on pursuing
            buying a home.  At this point though a mortgage would be cheaper than
            a rent.  What we are thinking about doing is seeking some credit
            counseling and seeing if we can clear up some of our bad credit and then
            begin looking for a home.

            Eww... it's alot of work to even think about.  Clear up our credit, fill out
            paperwork, apply for financing, save money for a down payment and
            closing costs, and we may not even get approved right away.  I don't
            know... every time I think we're ready to work on moving the heck out of
            here something happens to keep us here.  I just want out!!!

                                          Bobservations...

            The other night Bob was running on his squeaky wheel as he does every night when
            the rest of the house is trying to sleep.  At around 3:00 am Dwayne got up and I thought
            he went to the bathroom.  But when I woke up in the morning I looked in Bob's cage and
            there was his wheel laying inside the cage on it's side.  I guess Dwayne had had enough
            of the wheel.  Poor little Bob though was just sitting there looking at his wheel and was
            wondering how in the world he was going to get anywhere.  Apparently Bob still believes
            that the wheel is his ticket out of there.

            I took a bunch of pictures of Bob.  If they come out when I get them developed I'll put
            some up.  That little hamster is just so darn cute!!
 

June 15, 2000 - Thursday Night

            So I worked 11 hours today.  It wasn't bad though.  It went by fast.  Kathy
            brought her puppy in.  Gosh I love that puppy!  She's so beautiful.  When
            Amanda came in she took Maggie (that's the puppy's name) outside to
            take her for a walk.  But I'm afraid Maggie took Manda for a walk.  It was
            funny.

            Yesterday I went over Shari's house to meet her new baby boy.  He's so
            precious.  I held him for a little bit but he was hungry so he kind of got
            fussy.  But the whole time I was there he was so quiet and good.  We had
            a nice time talking just about girl stuff.  I think Shari is the only person I
            never run out of things to talk about with.

            Tonight Rhonda called and in the background I hear my little Caitlin say,
            "Talk... Bessie."  Lord that child melts my heart.  She usually gets on the
            phone and this is how our conversation goes...

            Auntie / Bessie (she calls me both but never at the same time):  "Hi
            Caitlin!"

            Caitlin:  "Hi.... ummmmmm"

            Auntie / Bessie:  "What are you doing?"

            Caitlin:  "ummm..."  giggling

            Auntie / Bessie:  "I love you baby."

            Rhonda in the back ground:  "Say I love you too"

            Caitlin:  "I wuv you... tooooo"

            Auntie / Bessie:  "Awww..."

            Caitlin:  "Talk... Emely... phone..."

            That means she wants me to talk to Emely.  But Emely was just plain
            fussy and didn't want to talk to me.  I love those little girls.

            So my sink didn't get fixed yet.  Dwayne did something to it, turned the
            water back on and it sprayed everywhere.  Hmm... it might take a
            professional.  Bummer.  Big bummer.

            I gotta go for now... see ya!
 

June 17, 2000 - Saturday Evening

            Dwayne is fighting with the sink.  I think it's fixed though.  But now the
            water in my toilet keeps running just a little.  And even if you jiggle the
            handle it doesn't help.  I feel like I'm in the movie "The Money Pit", only
            we don't own this house.  Thank God for that.

            I was going to get my hair permed today.  I went over Rhonda's but we
            just ended up visiting because the girls are SO much work that we can't
            leave them alone long enough for Rhonda to fix my hair.  They get into
            everything the second you turn your back.  So the perm will have to wait
            until Amanda can accompany me over there and watch the girls.

            Rhonda sure does have her hands full, but those babies are absolutely
            PRECIOUS.  You can't even imagine unless you could see them.  Maybe
            I'm just biased but gosh they are cute and smart and loving and cuddly
            and everything good.  And they love their Auntie!!!  (That's me!)  And
            Emely said "Auntie" today!  (That's me again!)

            Wow it sure will be nice to use my sink again.

            Hmmm... what else has been going on?  Not a whole heck of alot.

            Mmmm... my couch looks inviting right now.  The temperature in here is
            perfect because we have the a/c on.  It's starting to get dark out.  And
            there is a big fluffy pillow laying on the end of the couch just waiting to
            cradle my head.

            But Dwayne wants to go to Walmart so I'll be back later!

                              ************************************

            Back.  We had to get a blind for the living room and an ice coffee from
            Dunkin Donuts of course.  =o)
 
 

                                 More toilet drama...

            When we came home Dwayne decided to shut off the water to the toilet
            and instructed me to turn on the water whenever I needed to flush it.  So
            the time came, I turned on the water, and nothing, no water.  Now, this is
            the same toilet that just an hour before hand had water running through
            it constantly.  So Dwayne had to come in and figure out what was going
            on.  It has not been a good day for plumbing at my house.  But he was
            able to get it going again.  Good toilet.

            So I watched the first episode of the new "Real World" the other night.  It
            was really good.  I think I will like it this season.  Gosh I love that show.

            Okay, I think I'm going to go now.  Night!  xxoo
 

June 20, 2000 - Tuesday Morning

            Last night I sat down to write a journal entry.  I got as far as the date and
            couldn't think of a darn thing to say.  I hate it when that happens.  So
            I'm trying again.

            Last night I was on the computer typing an email to a friend when all of
            the sudden out of nowhere a hornet came buzzing by my ear.  Now it's
            like almost 1:00 in the morning so my neighbors I'm sure were sleeping.
            But when a girl has to scream, she has to scream.  And when her
            husband has to get upset with her for being too loud, he has to get upset
            with her for being too loud.  Anyways... Amanda was sitting on the couch
            watching tv and drawing.  The hornet was fast approaching her and she
            began to duck her head in that panicy way people have of avoiding flying
            bugs with stingers that can hurt you.  I don't know what made her think
            she could pull this off, but all of the sudden the hornet was right in front
            of her... she raised her arm and swatted at him with her pencil of all
            things.  And the amazing thing is that she knocked him right upside his
            little hornet head with her pencil which knocked him to the floor.  I
            grabbed a dictionary from my desk but before I could jump on that
            sucker he crawled away under the radiator.  He crawled back out and
            Amanda started furiously swatting at him with the fly swatter.  Which
            obviously made him ugly and fly all over the place.  But she finally killed
            him and then we all (me and Manda) breathed a sigh of relief.

            Hmmm... that's all I have to say.  Sad but true!
 

June 22, 2000 - Thursday Night

            Today was a frustrating day.  I had a really obnoxious customer on the
            phone.  He was so rude!  I had to raise my voice to him a little because he
            wouldn't shut up long enough for me to explain the answer to the
            question he just asked.  How annoying!!

            Ooh!  Dwayne is putting shiny new linoleum tiles down on my bathroom
            floor.  Now if *THAT* doesn't excite you I don't know what will!  I think
            that's pretty awesome news!  It's been a long time since I've had a nice
            floor in that poor excuse for a bathroom.

            Dwayne started to scare me, however, when he began entertaining the
            idea of knocking down the wall of the closet and removing the closet all
            together to replace it with shelves.  It is never a good sign when your
            husband uses the term "knock down that wall".  That is a bad thing.
            Especially since he's 100% French!  The only thing more scary than
            knocking down a wall, is watching a frenchman knocking down a wall.
            Hehehe!  Poor Dwayne... I pick on him too much!  He really does do a
            good job when fixing things.  He just has his own funny way of doing
            things.  I guess I can accept that.

            Tomorrow is Friday.  Yay.  It is still not the end of the week for me.  I have
            to work on Saturday.  Fun, fun, fun.  I don't mind though.  Saturdays are
            usually very quiet.  And it's just Manda and I working, which means I can
            be unusually bossy.  Hehehe!  Just kidding Manda!  (You hope!)

            Okay... the example I am about to give you will show you exactly what is
            important to my co-workers.  We have a tech support department.  Right
            now they are working on creating a new tech support call queue so that
            when people call and ask for tech support they will be put on a waiting
            list and called in order of when they called.  Somehow the techs are also
            trying to incorporate an option in the queue where we can all go in there
            and pick where we want to order from that day or night for lunch or
            dinner.  I just find that amazing.  Normally when we order we just go out
            back and say, "Hey, who want's to order?"  Now they are making it
            complicated.  They are creating a program that will handle lunch and
            dinner orders.  That just goes to show you that these people like to eat!

            Amazing.
 

June 25, 2000 ~ Sunday Afternoon

            So now I have poodle hair once again.  It actually isn't that curly which is
            good.  So Rhonda did that on Friday, and then she cut it yesterday.  I
            like it much better.  And I like having a sister who is a hair dresser.  It's
            quite convenient!

            Last night after Rhonda cut my hair, we decided to go over my other
            sister, Debbie's, house.  We watched the movie "Molly" which was really
            funny and a very sweet movie.  Rhonda made it for a couple hours
            without calling to check on the kids.  Rhonda and Debbie literally live a
            block or two away from eachother.  The girls were in good hands with
            Manda and Danielle.

            When we went back to Rhonda's, Caitlin didn't want me to leave.  I have a
            very difficult time leaving if she is crying, holding her arms out to me,
            and saying, "Auntieeeee..."  So I stayed for another hour which was spent
            sitting on the couch with Caitlin and singing.  And singing.  She's so
            beautiful.  And funny.  At one point she got off the couch to get a toy and
            I stood up.  She looked horrified and pointed her little finger to the couch
            and said, "Auntie... sit... sit".  I couldn't even sit forward on the edge of
            the couch because she would push me back making sure I stayed there.
            This child melts my heart.

            And Emely does too.  I was holding Caitlin at one point and Emely came
            over to me and held her arms up.  Hehehe... I wish I could hold them
            both at the same time.  I feel so blessed to have them in my life.  And I'm
            so happy they only live 15 minutes away because every day they change
            and every day they do new things and I would be missing all of it if they
            hadn't moved back here.

            I didn't want to be at church today.  I hate feeling like that.  It's not that
            I'm trying to run away from God.  I'm not.  For some reason I just don't
            feel like being around anyone.  I feel guilty though because I don't want
            to disappoint God.  But the sermon was good for me to hear because the
            Pastor was talking about how no one is "good" enough to be worthy of
            God's grace, and no one is too "bad" that they aren't worthy of God's
            grace.  In other words, God's grace is free and can not be earned.  It
            doesn't matter what you do or don't do.  Still I feel like I need to be good,
            knowing full well that I'm going to fail time and time again.

            After church we road home along the beach.  That was a mistake because
            it was packed and the traffic was awful.  It took a lot longer to get home.
            Still it's a beautiful day today and we wanted to enjoy the nice weather.

            And now I'm finally home and relaxing and it feels good.  I've been really
            busy the last couple days.  It's nice to get out and do things but it's also
            nice to come home and relax.

            Hmm, my dish liquid smells like men's after shave.  Weird.  That has
            happened one other time so it must have been that I bought the same
            kind.  Eww I'll have to remember not to get that next time.

            So I found out that on Friday my mom was rushed to the hospital for
            chest pains but it turned out to be an anxiety attack.  No one told me!  I
            wasn't happy about that.  I need to know these things.  That happened
            one other time when my grandmother got sick.  People, you need to call
            us when something like this happens!  I don't like to find it out days
            later!

            My toilet is still on the mend.  I'm beginning to think the plumbing will
            never be normal again!  Dwayne bought all new insides for the toilet and
            also an insulation kit.  We are now flushing it by just pouring water down
            until it flushes because the tank still isn't ready to store water.  Going
            pee shouldn't be this difficult!  Oh well!  I guess we will survive it.

            Right now there is alot of thunder rumbling.  I love thunder but I don't
            think Keisha is too keen on it.  She's not as bad as she used to be.

            Well, gotta go!