April 3, 2000 - Monday Evening

            I have three really big answers to prayer and they happened all at once.

            #1... Dwayne got a new job working first shift!  He's been working second
            shift so long I don't know what I'll do when he's home every night.  But it
            will be so nice to have him back!  Now we can do everything together like
            we used to do!  I'm so excited!

            #2... My car passed inspection without us having to make any repairs!  I
            thought for sure they'd say we at least needed two new tires but they
            didn't.  They just put the sticker on and off I went.  This is a good thing
            because we didn't have any extra money to spare.  That is until our
            income tax refund comes in...

            #3...  Our tax refund is $149.  Now, $149 may not seem like a very big
            refund, and it really isn't.  But for the past several years we have owed taxes.
            It amazes me that we don't owe this year as well because financially we didn't
            do much different.  But I won't argue with that!

            In other news...

            Kathy, Manda and I have been walking a few mornings before work.
            There is a place near where we live that has all kinds of trails through the
            woods and a couple fields so we've been going there.  Kathy brings her
            two dogs and I bring Keisha.  It's really nice and has felt really good to
            get out there and exercise some!  I'm not looking forward to tick season
            though.  The other day I had to pick one off Keisha and I felt like I had
            bugs crawling on me all darn day!  I hate that feeling.  I don't want that
            to discourage me from taking Keisha for walks but I'm paranoid about
            ticks.  =o(

            I came home early today because I wasn't feeling well.  So when I got
            home I crawled in bed and fell asleep for a few hours.  That made me feel
            much better.  But what made me feel even betterer is that while I was
            sleeping my little honey did the dishes for me.  He's so sweet!  Anyone
            that does dishes for me is sweet to me!  I really hate doing dishes.  But I
            don't really know of many people who like them.

            Oh, I had to completely reformat my computer recently.  That's why it's
            been so long since I've written.  I had to add everything back on and
            configure everything.  What a pain in the butt that is!

            Yum!  We had watermelon yesterday for the first time this year.  It was
            yummy!  We have been trying to eat better lately.  Last week I brought
            my lunch every day except once I ordered chinese food.  But that's good!
            I never bring my lunch!

            Well, I have to go... I gotta do some shopping before I pick up Manda from
            work.  She's cooking supper tonight!  Pray for us!  Hahahahahaha!
                                          Bobservations...

            Tonight as I was sitting at my desk I heard some weird noises.  It sounded like it was
            coming from Bob's cage.  He sounded like he was dying.  I got scared so I dug through all
            the cotton batting that he covers up with and finally found him.  He was just sleeping
            and must have started snoring or something.  I poked him just to be sure and sure
            enough he jumped and then turned around with squinty eyes and gave me a dirty look.
            I didn't know Hamsters could get grumpy.  So I felt better knowing he hadn't kicked the
            bucket on me.  I'd be sad.  Bob's a little cutie pie!
 

April 4, 2000 - Tuesday Night

            I am attempting to download Paint Shop Pro once again on my
            computer.  I lost it in the reformat.  But man, my computer is so slow it
            takes hours and hours and more hours to download anything over 1MB.
            Hehehehe!  I suppose it is quite a big file.  The other day I tried to
            download Netscape 4.72.  No luck at all with that.  Actually it got to 100%
            and then my computer froze.  Man, that just ain't any fun when that
            happens.

            I can't believe there is finally a new Buffy on tonight.  It's been so long
            playing repeats!  And Angel is a new one too, cept I don't watch Angel
            that much.  Amanda drools over that guy.  I really don't think he's that
            cute, I mean he's okay but doesn't really interest me.

            Yawwwwwwwwnnnnn... I'm so tired.  I could fall asleep right now.  But I
            won't.

            This is how serious my procrastination is... I had my income taxes
            prepared for me by an accountant.  She did all the paper work and sent
            it to me in the mail.  Everything is stapled in the right spot; all it needs is
            mine and Dwayne's signature.  I've had that sucker for about 4 or 5 days
            and I STILL haven't signed it and sent it off in the mail.  And I'm getting a
            refund back.  What in the world is wrong with me?!

            Darn it!  My sister just paged me.  Now I'm going to have to quit the
            download.  =o(  Why why why whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy??  Hehehehe...
            oh the drama.  BRB!

            Okay... anyways...

            Amanda won't be going to jail for tax evasion after all.  We finally received
            her missing W2 in the mail today so now she can file her Federal Income
            Tax.  There is so much going on at all times with a teenager in the
            house.  All the drama surrounding the W2, the transporting her back
            and forth from work, the transporting her back and forth from driver's ed,
            the persistence in her asking to go look for cars.  She is a bundle of
            energy, talking, burping, asking questions.  She wears me out!  But we
            do still love having her here.  Hehehehe, I didn't sound like I was going to
            make that point did I?!  =oÞ

            If you ever come over my house, whatever you do, don't start talking to
            Bob.  Keisha gets all whiny because in talking to him you have just
            reminded her that he hasn't been out running around in his little ball
            lately which means she hasn't been able to play with him.  Also, if you so
            much as look at Keisha when you walk in the door she will immediately
            find the nearest toy and bring it to you expecting to be played with.  And
            if you ignore her she will get the next toy and bring it to you, and so on
            and so on until she finds one you want to play with.  Every time we walk
            through the door in a matter of 10 or 15 minutes all of her toys are now
            in the middle of the floor; she brings them out one by one.  It's actually
            quite cute, even though I get tired of picking up her toys all the time!

            Well, I gotta go now.  Nite nite!
 

April 6, 2000 ~ Thursday Evening

            I'm mad at myself today.  I was all disappointed this morning because
            when I look around at all the people I know, everyone is getting one or
            the other of the two things I want most in life; a house and a baby.  I had
            been doing really well in both of those areas, meaning not dwelling on
            the fact that I didn't have either one.  Infact, for the past couple of weeks
            I have actually been saying I'm glad I don't have kids yet because I feel
            like I'm not settled enough.  But that feeling never lasts.  I always go
            back to feeling that longing to be a mom.  You know the saying "always a
            bride's maid, never a bride"?  Well it's like that with me only it's "always
            an auntie, never a mom".

            Anyways, I was getting upset with God this morning and wondering what
            on earth He is waiting for.  And it hit me that indeed He is waiting for
            something on earth.  I had to remind myself that God is in Heaven and
            viewing my life like a road map.  He knows what is up ahead around the
            corner better than I do.  At some intersections I will have the right of way,
            at others I will have to yield to oncoming traffic.  Some roads will be one
            way and some will have orange cones up in front of them.  Sometimes I'll
            hit all the red lights in a row and other times I'll have a green light, still
            others where I'll be squeezing through a yellow by the skin of my teeth.
            In any case, God knows way better than I.  And in my *finite* knowledge
            of how the universe should be run, I would screw things up in my
            attempt to give myself everything I want.  He is God, not me.  And I need
            to stop trying to blame Him for things when they don't go perfectly my
            way.  I hate it when other people blame God so why should I be any
            different?

            I guess I just needed a reminder.  I have SO MUCH; I am rich in many
            ways.  I guess I'll dwell on that for a while.  =o)
 

April 8, 2000 - Saturday Afternoon

                 We didn't die today.  That's always a good thing.  We just got
                 back from taking Manda driving.  She's a good driver but we
                 have a standard and that was the second time she has ever
                 driven a standard.  That's why I'm thankful we're alive.  We
                 went on the highway and everything.  She was more scared
                 than we were though.

                 I'm mad at Dwayne and trying to let it go.  We went to Dunkin
                 Donuts and he parked somewhere that he shouldn't have
                 which almost got me hit while he and Amanda were inside
                 getting coffee and bagels.  On top of that he forgot my iced
                 coffee and could only get a sesame as opposed to a plain bagel
                 which is what I wanted.  Now the coffee and bagel thing I would
                 have overlooked if I hadn't been angry in the first place.  But
                 because I felt he had disregard for my feelings about the
                 parking spot he chose, everything after that just made me
                 madder.  He was mad because he felt that because he was the
                 driver it was okay to park where we did and I shouldn't have
                 tried to take control and be demanding about where we
                 parked.  So, so far this is turning out to be a real lousy
                 Saturday.  On top of that we were out driving so long I started
                 getting car sick.  I get car sick on long rides if I'm not the one
                 driving.

                 Men and women are so completely different in their thinking.
                 It's really annoying more than anything else.  At this point in
                 our marriage, when we are mad and argue with eachother we
                 just keep our distance and then get over it.  When we first got
                 married every little tiny fight was a huge blowout as far as my
                 emotions were concerned.  I would cry and be all upset and
                 think, "This is it, we're going to be divorced soon."  But I now
                 know that will never happen.  So I don't get so upset anymore.

                 Oh well.  I'm still mad but I love him anyways.

                 Oh man, talk about mad... last night as I was driving over my
                 sister's house I was stopped at a red light behind this suv with
                 two young girls in it.  The driver was squirting water from a
                 water bottle onto her windshield.  She must have run out of
                 wiper fluid so she was using water.  That was fine, no problem.
                 After the water bottle was empty however, she then placed the
                 cap back on and tossed it out the window.  I was so mad I felt
                 like taking down her license plate number and calling the
                 police.  But that wouldn't have done any good I don't think.
                 What are people thinking when they litter?  That when this
                 earth is dirty and used up we'll just go down to our nearest
                 Earth Dealership and purchase a new one?  Hello people, that
                 ain't happening.  This is the only one we get.  Stupid, stupid,
                 stupid.  And so I don't understand why people can't just keep
                 their trash to themselves and dispose of it the right way.  It's
                 bad enough that we have to waste thousands (millions?) of
                 acres of land to store waste.  The least we could do is keep the
                 rest of the earth clean.  Gee whiz.  That bugs me.  Course you
                 couldn't tell, could ya?!

                 What other indignations shall we discuss today?

                 The tip of my nose feels numb.  I'll bet my sunglasses were on
                 too long.  They're tight up at the top of my nose.  I cut off the
                 circulation to the tip of my nose.  Poor nose.  =o(  I hope it
                 doesn't fall off.  Then I'll look like this:     =(

                 Well, I gotta go!  Things to do and all!  Bye bye!

                                      April 8, 2000 - Later

                 I'm not mad anymore.  He's too cute to be mad at for too long.
 

April 13, 2000 - Thursday Afternoon

            I stayed home today.  Caitlin gave me her cold so I'm just hanging out
            and resting.  I had a really rough night sleep last night.  I was waking up
            every half hour and I kept coming out to the living room to see if I could
            sleep better sitting in the rocking chair or something.  But that didn't
            help.  It was really cold out here.  I learned something though; I'd rather
            be tossing and turning  and not sleeping well in my room with Dwayne
            than out in the living room and sleeping soundly without Dwayne.  I was
            really feeling attached to him last night.  I guess because he's my home
            and he's my comfort so I want to be near him when I'm sick.  Mushy
            huh?  =oÞ

            I had never heard of the group M2M before today when I saw a video of
            theirs.  I really really liked the way they sounded so I think that will be
            my next CD.  They are two girls from Norway and to be honest I don't
            even know if they're popular or not because I'm not up on all the latest
            music.  I looked them up on the internet though and I guess they're
            relatively new.

            Dwayne started his new job this past Monday and so far he really likes
            it.  He's happy that he has his own desk and computer and he is in a
            very professional setting with people who are very respectful.  That's a big
            difference from the kind of people he is used to working with.  Most of his
            jobs have been laborious so he's always been around guys who are rough
            and tough and have trash mouths.  I'm very happy he's working during
            the day now and is home with me at night.  I was afraid at first that we'd
            go crazy being around eachother so much but so far so good.  I think as it
            gets warmer we'll be doing stuff outside and having fun together.  I'm
            looking forward to Spring and Summer!

            We rented the movie "Sixth Sense" the other night.  Wow.  I loved that
            movie!  It was erie and just plain good.  But most of all the ending took
            me completely by surprise.  Of course I won't give it away but I was totally
            shocked.  Really good movie - go rent it!

            That's all...  I'm sick and tired!
 

April 14, 2000 - Friday Evening

                  I had a rough day today.  Still not feeling well so I stayed
                  home again.  All day long I had a splitting headache that was
                  making me feel dizzy and sick to my stomach.  I hate those
                  kind.  I think I'm on the mend now though.  I hope anyways!
                  I hate being sick as I've stated many times.  I'm a baby.

                  Kathy and Jennifer are coming over tomorrow to have lunch
                  and to take pictures.  Since my camera takes good pictures
                  we're going to go outside and take pictures and enjoy the
                  nice weather.  It's supposed to be really warm tomorrow.  I
                  hope it stays that way.  This drastic temperature change
                  really gets to me!  It seems like I always get a cold when the
                  seasons change.  But I get them other times too.  This journal
                  is a year old and I've written about having a cold several
                  times.  Oh well.

                  Anyways... speaking of my camera; I was looking for it
                  everywhere and thought I lost it.  That was really bothering
                  me.  I just kept saying oh man, where is my camera.  I can't
                  handle losing things especially something that is very dear to
                  me.  Especially since everything in this house pretty much
                  has a place and though it's cluttery everything is usually in
                  it's place.  The camera's place is on the desk and it wasn't
                  there when I went to get it.  But thank God, I found it.  It was
                  in a plastic bag on the floor by the couch.  It's back in it's
                  place now and ready to shoot some pictures tomorrow!!  Yay!

                  That's all - I'm sick don't cha know?
 

April 19, 2000 - Wednesday Evening

            Okay... my second, or third attempt to download Paint Shop Pro.  I'm
            writing as it's downloading.  We'll see if it makes it this time.

            So the girls did come over this past weekend and we took some awesome
            pictures!  Sometime I'll have to upload a few to post on here.  They came
            out quite nice.  Spring is a really nice time to take pictures around here
            on the farm.  There are alot of nice backgrounds.  I find everywhere I go I
            am looking for things to photograph or places to use as backgrounds for
            photographs.  I really enjoy taking pictures for some reason.  I have spent
            so much money on film and developing the past couple of years.
            Especially after Caitlin and Emely were born.  They are my two favorite
            subjects to photograph but I love anyone who will pose for me.

            Eeew.  Manda found a tick on her bedspread the other day.  Yuck.

            I'm looking forward to Easter this year!  We are having a sunrise service
            on the beach with our new church.  A sunrise service is exactly what it
            sounds like.  We gather together on Easter morning to watch the sunrise
            and we sing a few hymns and pray and have a very short sermon or more
            like a devotional.  It's just a really nice time.  It's hard to get up because
            it starts at like 5:45 to 6:00 am, and the church/beach is around 40
            minutes from our house so we'll have to get up at like 4:00 am.  =o(   I'm
            not real happy about that but it's worth it.  I guess I'll just quit
            complaining about it and just do it.

            Wow, I'm really tired tonight.  My cold has really been slowing me down.
            I've been coming home from work, taking a nap, waking up for dinner,
            and then laying down to read and then going to bed.  I guess I needed
            the sleep but still.  I don't want to sleep my life away!  This year is going
            by SO fast I can hardly believe it.  It's a little sad especially since my 31st
            birthday won't be a very happy one for me.  And to top it off I only just
            had my 30th and am worrying about my 31st!  Oh well, I need to stop
            worrying about that kind of stuff.

            Darn.  The download just stalled.  Man.  =o(

            Kay... I know my entries have been short and dull.  Hopefully things will
            pick up around my head!  But for now I'm REAL tired and going to bed.
 

April 20, 2000 - Thursday Evening

            I'm really frustrated and feel this is the only way to discuss it.  When I
            talk about it with anyone else I just feel foolish and Dwayne, it seems, is
            unable to supply me with any emotional comfort or support.  I'm
            frustrated with the weird things that have been happening with my body
            over the past few years.  The latest weird thing is that I am currently
            experiencing numbness and tingling in my nose and forehead.  Why?  I
            have no clue.  It's happened about 4 or 5 times now and lasts a couple of
            hours usually.  I was trying to think of reasons why this would occur but
            I don't know.  Maybe it's a symptom of a migraine but why wouldn't it be
            accompanied by a very bad headache?  Oh, don't get me wrong - I've had
            my share of those.  Throw in seeing a few tiny tracing lights off to the
            side of my vision or just plain failing vision... I'm a literal head case.  Do I
            imagine this crap?  Am I a hypochondriac?  Do I have a very large tumor
            in my head eating my brain?  Is it enjoying it's meal?  What is up with
            me?  And why is it one thing after another?  And just what do I expect
            Dwayne to do about anything?

            This is how our conversation went tonight:

            Me:  "Honey, can you think of any reason why my nose and forehead
            could be numb?"

            Him:  "Maybe you haven't been getting enough sleep.  I know I haven't."

            Me:  "I don't think that would cause facial numbness though."

            Him:  "Well then why'd you ask me if you're the expert."

            Him to Manda:  "Okay, where's your guitar?  Let's change the strings."

            Me:  "Gee, thanks for your concern."

            Him:  "Well, I don't know why so I said I don't know."

            Maybe I'm wrong to be angry with that but I swear men just don't GET
            IT.  I know he can't help me medically.  He's not a doctor and doesn't
            have a clue.  But couldn't he be more sympathetic or concerned?

            Let me show you the conversation again and this time I'll include my
            thoughts in italics...

            Me:  "Honey, do you know what would cause my nose and forehead to be
            numb?"  (I know it sounds really stupid but please don't roll your eyes and
            dismiss my concerns.)

            Him:  "No, I don't know.  Maybe you're not getting enough sleep."

            Me:  "I don't think lack of sleep would cause that."  (And I'm really scared
            because I can't figure it out - anything I can't explain gives me anxiety
            these days.  I worry about every little ache, pain, mole, spot, or lump on
            my body... I know it's just facial numbness but I'm still scared.  I don't want
            to die.)

            Him:  "Well why'd you ask me if you're the expert?"

            Me:  Silence... (I wish you would just come over to me, kiss me on the
            forehead, rub my back and say "Honey, I'm not sure.  What can I do to
            make you feel better?")

            Once in a while all I need is for him to smile at me and tell me everything
            will be all right.  That doesn't happen very often.  But I can't really blame
            him.  He can't read my mind and he doesn't get scared about things the
            way I do.

            I wish I could just be normal.
 

April 21, 2000  ~  Friday Evening
                                  Happy Good Friday!

            So yeah, my download of Paint Shop Pro never did work.  It's a good thing
            I have it at work so I can still make graphics there and send them to
            myself at home.  That pacifies my addiction temporarily.  So I made this
            background.  I wanted it to be more Eastery but this is what I came up
            with.  I suppose it will have to do!

            Tonight we went to our old church to a concert given by the choir.  It's
            called a cantata.  I don't know if I spelled it right but oh well.  The choir
            was really good and it was nice to see everyone again.  It seems weird
            though because after going to that church for over ten years the people
            still didn't know me as well as my new church family has gotten to know
            me in the past couple of months.  I guess I never opened myself up to
            them either though.  Which is also strange because if you know me, you
            know that my life is an open book and I'll talk about anything with
            anyone.

            So I have a busy weekend planned.  Well, I don't know what I'm doing
            tomorrow yet.  I know I have several errands to run and I should spend
            some time with my sister, Rhonda, and the babies.  I wanted to put
            something together for Manda and Dwayne for Easter.  I'll play Easter
            Bunny this year!  Dwayne loves white chocolate and you can only ever
            find it during Easter time.  And then of course there is Easter Sunday;
            the sunrise service at the beach at 6:00 AM (!) and then the regular
            Sunday Service.  I believe after church we are going to try to go visit with
            Dwayne's family.

            I don't know what it is lately, well I say lately but really it is the past few
            years, we just have a very hard time visiting.  There are so many family
            members on both sides that really want to spend time with us and vice
            versa; we want to spend time with them.  We get so wrapped up in our
            daily activities that it has become very difficult to get out there and visit!
            On Saturdays we run errands and do things together and then on
            Sundays we spend pretty much all day at church.  But I woke up the
            other morning feeling as if life is passing me by very quickly.  I spend the
            majority of my time sleeping and working and although I love doing both
            I almost feel as if I'm not *really* living my life.  I really want the urgency
            of feeling like every moment is my last and I better make it count for
            something.  That means spending time with the people whom I love most,
            laughing as much as I can, and being grateful for every breath I'm able to
            take.  I want my life to be colorful and animated and full of joy.  And
            although it can't be perfect it can be all of that other fluffy stuff I like so
            much.  It's all up to me.